'Twas Mrs. 'Lige Hawkins begun it; She always has had the idee That the church was built so's she could run it, 'Cause Hawkins is deacon, yer see; She thought that the whole congregation Kept step ter the tune of her fife, But she found 't was a wrong calkerlation Applied ter the minister's wife. Then Mrs. Jedge Jenks got excited-- She thinks she's the whole upper crust;-- When she found the Smiths was invited Ter meet'n', she quit in disgust. "_You_ can have all the paupers yer choose to," Says she, jest as sharp as a knife; "But if _they_ go ter church _I_ refuse to!" "Good-by!" says the minister's wife. And then Mrs. Jackson got stuffy At her not comin' sooner ter call, And old Miss Macgregor is huffy 'Cause she went up ter Jackson's at all. Each one of the crowd hates the other, The church has been full of their strife; But now they're all hatin' another, And that one's the minister's wife. But still, all their cackle unheedin', She goes, in her ladylike way, A-givin' the poor what they're needing And helpin' the church every day: Our numbers each Sunday is swelling And real, true religion is rife, And sometimes I feel like a-yellin', "Three cheers fer the minister's wife!" * * * * * [Illustration: "'Well, now, I vum! I know, by gum! I'm right because I _be_!'"] THE VILLAGE ORACLE * * * * * "_I am Sir Oracle, and when I ope my lips let no dog bark!_" * * * * * Old Dan'l Hanks he says this town Is jest the best on earth; He says there ain't one, up nor down, That's got one half her worth; He says there ain't no other state That's good as ourn, nor near; And all the folks that's good and great Is settled right 'round here. Says I "D'jer ever travel, Dan?" "You bet I ain't!" says he; "I tell you what! the place I've got Is good enough fer me!" He says the other party's fools, 'Cause they don't vote his way; He says the "feeble-minded schools" Is where they ought ter stay; If he was law their mouths he'd shut, Or blow 'em all ter smash; He says their platform's nawthin' but A great big mess of trash. Says I, "D'jer ever read it, Dan?" "You bet I ain't!" says he; "And when I do; well, I tell you, I'll let you know, by gee!" He says that all religion's wrong 'Cept jest what he believes; He says them ministers belong In jail, the same as thieves; He says they take the blessed Word And tear it all ter shreds; He says their preachin's jest absurd; They're simply leatherheads. Says I, "D'jer ever hear 'em, Dan?" "You bet I ain't!" says he; "I'd never go ter _hear_ 'em; no; They make me sick ter _see!_"