=Dear Captain Bill=—I live in Milwaukee and a neighbor of mine is always making home beer. Who should I report it to?—=Adam Sapple.= Notify the American consul. * * * * * =Dear Sir and Captain=—My husband, whenever he comes home intoxicated from moonshine liquor, kicks me in the stomach. What would you advise me to do?—=Abused Wife.= Turn your back on the brute. * * * * * =Dear Skipper=—Could you tell me who is the inventor of the loose leaf system?—=L. E. Phant.= Eve. * * * * * =Dear Captain Jazzbo=—I have a sweet girlie, with teeth quite pearly. I took her in my arms one night. She scratched and giggled and tried to bite. Can you guess what’s worrying me?—=Hymanjasus.= Your poetry is punk, old trapper, and I’ll answer you, the same—You like to love but you hate to fight with a dirty neck when you monkey-bite. * * * * * =Dear Captain Bill=—I see where you discuss at length the brevity of girls’ attire, but I never see you object in your writings. How do you stand, anyway?—=Noonan Knight.= Well, you don’t see me wearing any smoked glasses. * * * * * =Dear Skipper Bill=—What’s your idea of a fine sight?—=Lotta Bull.= I suppose you think I’ll say hosiery, but guess again. My idea of a fine sight is the one I have on my bear hunting rifle. * * * * * =Dear Whiz Bang Billy=—What’s the most useful food?—=Fletcher Eyes.= Chicken. You can eat it before it is born and after it is dead. * * * * * =Dear Doctor Billy=—What are the three great plagues of the world?—=Iva Sharpe Payne.= My expert diagnosis reveals that the three greatest are: Water on the knee, liquor on the hip and woman on the brain. Which Paynes you most? * * * * * =Dear Skipper=—Do you think it possible to get intoxicated on one-half of one percent beer?—=Ringaround A. Rosey.= Sure, two hundred bottles of one-half of one percent equals one hundred percent drunk. * * * * * The Deadly Mouse “What a brave, brave girl Mary is!” said a young man in enthusiastic tones. “Mary brave? How so?” inquired the young man’s sister. “Why, at the dance last night,” said the young man, “she was the only girl who kept her seat and remained perfectly cool when the mouse appeared.” “Pshaw!” said his sister. “That wasn’t bravery. Mary told me afterwards that she had her old garters on.” * * * * * For Private Circulation “May I print a kiss upon your lips?” “Yes, provided you promise not to publish it.” * * * * * Baldheaded Bad Luck The transport had just been torpedoed. After a little struggle in the moisture, Bill found himself safely within the confines of an empty lifeboat.