“You must come on deck and see the moon by and by, ma’am,” said
Cammock kindly. “And bring your husband. It’s nice and fresh up on the
deck. It’ll do you good before turning in, I dare say,” he went on. “I
dare say you’ve never seen the sea at night. Not all round you. No?
Well, you come up.”
Olivia thanked him for his invitation.
“I’ve lived by the sea all my life,” she said; “but I was never on it
in a ship before, except when I went to France.”
The words were very hard to speak; for as she spoke, with a rush, with
a flash, burningly, as tears come, came the memory of her sheltered
life at home, with her old servants, and her garden full of flowers,
over which now, at this moment, the moon was rising, lighting the
moths to their honey. She was homesick; she longed for that old life.
Life had gone very smoothly there; and now she was at sea in a ship,
among rough men, amid noise and bawling and the roaring of wind. She
kept a brave face upon it, but her heart was wretched; she wondered
why her husband did not understand. She longed for the peace of her
quiet room at home, full of the scent of flowers, and of that vague
scent, pleasant, and yet morbid, which hangs about all houses where
there has been a fine tradition of life. Old things, old beautiful
things, seem to give out this scent, the scent of the dead sweet
pea-blossom. Wherever that vague perfume lingers, something of the old
world lives, something beautiful, stately, full of sweet care. Olivia
was made for that life of lovely order. Her life had been passed in
the gathering of flowers, in the playing of music, in dances, in the
reading of poems. All sweet and lovely and gracious things had wrought
her; but they had not fitted her for this. Something was wrong with
the justice of the world; for surely such as she should have been
spared. She was not for the world; not at least for the world of men.
She was the idea of woman; she should have been spared the lot of
women. Her beautiful grace, her beautiful refinement, surely they were
beautiful enough for her to be spared. Now this violence had happened;
this brutal rearrangement of her life, needing further violence to
remedy. At the time she understood nothing of what had happened. She
was stunned and surprised, as a flower dug up and transplanted must be
surprised and stunned. She drooped and pined; this alien soil made her
shrink. As she sat there, ignorant of the world, highly ignorant,
even, of the nature of sea-sickness, she wondered why her husband made
no effort to cheer her, to comfort her, to be about her, like a strong
wall, shutting out the world. In her home by the sea, by lamplight,
over her music, she had often dreamed of the lover who would fill her
life. She had thought of him as of one who would live her life by
imaginative sympathy, thinking her thoughts, feeling with her own
fineness of tact, following each shy, unspoken thought in the passing
of shadow or smile, in the change of the voice, in the gesture, or
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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