Bildungsromans; English fiction -- 20th century; Women musicians -- Fiction
To begin with, she felt very tired and weary. Of course she had done a
good deal that day. She had every reason to be physically tired. But it
was not altogether physical tiredness. She felt like a child who has
been looking forward to something for a long time, and is disappointed
because its expectations are not realized. And again she felt relieved,
as one who has been harbouring a vague dread and finds that the worst
is not half so bad as was thought. And again she felt sorry, as if
both her disappointment and her relief were things to be regretted and
to feel ashamed of. And somewhere--vaguely--subconsciously--what was
the thought that came to her? A revolutionary thought, a thought that
marked an epoch in her life and development. Nothing less than the
thought that the things he and she had been discussing, the questions
that at one time had seemed the most momentous in her life, were now
become by the sad process of time stale, unmeaning, and out of date.
Of historic and achæological interest, maybe, but not living things as
she had expected them to be living. She had expected to be immensely
moved, immensely stirred by this conversation with him. She had
expected it so confidently that she had been stirred at the thought of
being stirred. She had tuned herself in readiness for a great conflict.
And now the conflict had begun, had lasted and was over. She had not
been stirred. Not that the blows had been light. It was something in
her that gave her a new invulnerability, a strange imperviousness to
blows. Her expectations, her dreads, her excitement, her preparations
for conflict, all had been for nothing. And now that she realized that
they had been for nothing she felt the effect of them--they made her
tired, weary, worn out. The tension snapped. Vaguely she felt sorry
that she was not suffering more acutely: vaguely she felt that her
invulnerability was purchased at a great price. But try as she would
she could not help but feel that her conversation with him had been a
futile disinterment of dead bones.... She was not hurt. But she was
tired--weary--as after a successful and dangerous operation.
They both felt that they had said all that need be said. On the way
home scarcely a remark passed between them, except once or twice when
he called her attention to the scenery.
He said: “The tide is coming in fast now. It comes in by inches as you
watch it.”
She replied: “Yes,” but she did not think what she was saying.
When they got back to “Seahill,” he disappeared into the garage to
prepare the car for use. She was left for a few moments with Helen.
Their conversation (lasting for two minutes) was full of amazing things.
Helen began it.
“Well,” she said, “what do you think of him?”
“He’s very clever.”
“Yes,” agreed Helen, surprisingly, “and like all clever men he is
rather stupid. He’s so stupid that he thinks I don’t understand him.”
Pause. Catherine was too much astonished to reply.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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