'Eve betrays herself by the glibness of the axiom. You know nothing
of truth. But I've seen truth to-night. All Paul's past life is
mystery, shadow, enigma to me, but at the same time there is a central
light--blinding, incandescent light--which is the fact that he
suffered. Suffered so much that, a priest, he preferred the supreme sin
to such suffering. Suffered so much that, a man, he preferred death to
such suffering! All his natural desire for life was conquered. That
irresistible instinct, that primal law, that persists even to the
moment when darkness and unconsciousness overwhelm us--the fight for
life, the battle to retain our birthright--all this was conquered.
The instinct to escape from life became stronger than the instinct to
preserve it! Isn't that profoundly illuminating?'
He paused.
'That fact sweeps, for me, like a great searchlight over an abyss of
pain. The pain the man must have endured before he arrived at such a
reversal of his religion and of his most primitive instinct! His world
was, at the end, turned upside down. A terrifying nightmare. He took
the only course. You cannot think how final death is--so final, so
simple. So simple. There is no more to be said. I had no idea....'
He spoke himself with the simplicity he was trying to express. He said
again, candidly, evenly, in a voice from which all the emotion had
passed,--
'So simple.'
They were silent for a long time. He had forgotten her, and she was
wondering whether she dared now recall him to the personal. She had
listened, gratified when he attacked her, resentful when he forgot
her, bored with his detachment, but wise enough to conceal both her
resentment and her boredom. She had worshipped him in his anger, and
had admired his good looks in the midst of his fire. She had been
infinitely more interested in him than in Paul. Shocked for a moment by
Paul's death, aware of the stirrings of pity, she had quickly neglected
both for the sake of the living Julian.
She reviewed a procession of phrases with which she might recall his
attention.
'You despise me, Julian.'
'No, I only dissociate you. You represent a different sphere. You
belong to Herakleion. I love you--in your place.'
'You are hurting me.'
He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her towards the fight. She
let him have his way, with the disconcerting humility he had sometimes
found in her. She bore his inspection mutely, her hands dropping
loosely by her sides, fragile before his strength. He found that his
thoughts had swept back, away from death, away from Paul, to her
sweetness and her worthlessness.
'Many people care for you--more fools they,' he said. 'You and I, Eve,
must be allies now. You say I despise you. I shall do so less if I can
enlist your loyalty in Paul's cause. He has died as the result of an
accident. Are you to be trusted?'
He felt her soft shoulders move in the slightest shrug under the
pressure of his hands.
'Do you think,' she asked, 'that you will be believed?'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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