After a short conversation there was silence between them, interrupted
only by the breathing of the sick child and the slight, but mournful,
sounds of the window-panes, on which fine rain was striking. Outside,
the night had grown wet; it was autumnal, bringing with it oppression,
gloom, pessimism, and discontent. Equally gloomy seemed that chamber,
in whose dark corners death appeared to be lurking. Hour followed hour
more slowly. All at once forebodings seized Pan Stanislav. He looked
at Litka on a sudden, and it seemed to him madness to suppose that
she could recover. Vain was watching! vain were hopes and illusions!
That child must die! she must all the more surely, the dearer she was.
Pani Emilia will follow her; and then there will be a desert really
hopeless. What a life! See, he, Polanyetski, has those two, the only
beings in the world who love him,--beings for whom he is something;
therefore it is clear that he must lose them. With them there would
be something in life to which he could adhere; without them there
will be only nothingness and a certain kind of future, blind, deaf,
unreasoning, with the face of an idiot.
The most energetic man needs some one to love him. Otherwise he feels
death within, and his energy turns against life. A moment like that had
come now to Pan Stanislav. "I do not know absolutely why I should not
fire into my forehead," thought he, "not from despair at losing them,
but because of the nothing without them. If life must be senseless,
there is no reason to permit this senselessness, unless through
curiosity to learn how far it can go." But this thought did not appear
in him as a plan; it was rather the effort of a man writhing at the
chain of misfortune, a burst of anger in a man seeking some one against
whom to turn. In Pan Stanislav this anger turned suddenly on Marynia.
He did not know himself why; but it seemed to him at once that all the
evil which had happened, had happened through her. She had brought into
their circle a dislike not there before, suffering not there before,
and had thrown, as it were, some stone into their smooth water; and
now the wave, which was spreading more and more widely, covered not
only him, but Pani Emilia and Litka. As a man governing himself by
judgment, not by nerves, he understood how vain were reproaches of this
sort; still he could not put down the remembrance that before Marynia
came it was better in every way, and so much better even, that he might
consider that as a happy period of his life. He loved then only Litka,
with that untroubled, fatherly feeling, which did not and could not
bring bitterness for a moment. Who knows, besides, if in time he might
not have been able to love Pani Emilia? She, it is true, had not for
him other feelings than those of friendship, but perhaps only because
he did not desire other feelings. High-minded women frequently refuse
themselves feelings which go beyond the boundary of friendship, so as
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