And it was true; for if he considered, for example, that at the
first thought of death everything becomes smoke, and he felt that
unfortunately it does, he felt at the same time that thousands of
people had come to that thought before he had, and that no one had
found in it either solace or even such satisfaction as the discovery
of a truth gives. Everything that he could say to himself was at once
terrifying and petty. It was easy for him to understand that the whole
life of man, general history, all philosophies, are at bottom merely
a struggle with incessant death,--a struggle despairing, a struggle
utterly senseless, and at the same time infinitely foolish and devoid
of object, for it is lost in advance. But such reasoning could not
bring him any comfort, since it was merely the confirmation of a new
vicious circle.
For if the one object of all human efforts is life, and the only result
death, the nonsense passes measure, and simply could not be accepted,
were it not for that loathsome and pitiless reality, which turns beings
beloved and living into rotten matter.
Pan Stanislav, during every visit to the cemetery, poisoned himself
with such thoughts. To-day, while going, he thought that the presence
of Marynia would liberate him from them; meanwhile, rather the opposite
happened. Litka's death, which had broken in him trust in the sense
and moral object of life, undermined in him also that first, former
love for Marynia, which was so naïve and free of doubt; now, when with
Marynia, he was standing at Litka's grave, when that death, which had
begun to be only a memory, had become again a thing almost tangible,
its poisoning effect was increasing anew. Again it seemed to him that
all life, consequently love, too, is merely an error, and the processes
of life utterly useless and vain. If above life there is neither reason
nor mercy, why toil, why love and marry? Is it to have children, become
attached to them with every drop of one's blood, and then look on
helplessly, while that blind, stupid, insulting, brutal force chokes
them, as a wolf chokes a lamb, and come to their graves, and think that
they are mouldering in damp and darkness? See, Litka is down there.
A day wonderfully gloomy only strengthened the bitterness of these
feelings. At times, during his previous visits, the cemetery had seemed
to Pan Stanislav a kind of great void in which life was dissolving, but
in which every misfortune, too, was dissolving,--something enormously
dreamy, soothing. To-day there was no rest in it. Pieces of snow fell
from the trees and gravestones; ravens pushed about among the wet trees
with their croaking. Sudden and strong blasts of wind hurled drops of
moisture from the branches, and, driving them about, produced a certain
desperate struggle around the stone crosses, which stood firm and
indifferent.
Just then Marynia ceased praying, and said, with that slightly
suppressed voice with which people speak in cemeteries,--
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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