Pan Stanislav made no answer to the young lady's remark, but said, as
if sunk in his own thoughts: "I do not analyze life; I have no time.
When I enjoy myself,--as at this moment, for instance,--I feel that
I enjoy myself; when I suffer, I suffer,--that is all. But five or
six years ago it was different. A whole party of us used to meet for
discussions on the meaning of life,--a number of scholars, and one
writer, rather well known in Belgium at present. We put to ourselves
these questions: Whither are we going? What sense has everything,
what value, what end? We read the pessimists, and lost ourselves in
various baseless inquiries, like one of my acquaintances, an assistant
in the chair of astronomy, who, when he began to lose himself in
interplanetary spaces, lost his reason; and, after that, it seemed to
him that his head was moving in a parabola through infinity. Afterward
he recovered, and became a priest. We, in like manner, could come to
nothing, rest on nothing,--just like birds flying over the sea without
a place to light on. But at last I saw two things: first, that my
Belgians were taking all this to heart less than I,--we are more naïve;
second, that my desire for labor would be injured, and that I should
become an incompetent. I seized myself, then, by the ears, and began to
color cottons with all my might. After that, I said in my mind: Life
is among the rights of nature; whether wise or foolish, never mind, it
is a right. We must live, then; hence it is necessary to get from life
what is possible. And I wish to get something. Vaskovski says, it is
true, that we Slavs are not able to stop there; but that is mere talk.
That we cannot be satisfied with money alone, we will admit. But I
said to myself, besides money there are two things: peace and--do you
know what, Panna Plavitski?--woman. For a man should have some one with
whom to share what he has. Later, there must be death. Granted. But
where death begins, man's wit ends. 'That is not my business,' as the
English say. Meanwhile, it is needful to have some one to whom a man
can give that which he has or acquires, whether money or service or
fame. If they are diamonds on the moon, it is all the same, for there
is no one to learn what their value is. So a man must have some one to
know him. And I think to myself, who will know me, if not a woman, if
she is only wonderfully good and wonderfully reliable, greatly mine and
greatly beloved? This is all that it is possible to desire; for from
this comes repose, and repose is the one thing that has sense. I say
this, not as a poet, but as a practical man and a merchant. To have
near me a dear one, that is an object. And let come then what may. Here
you have my philosophy."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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