That burst of passion was the last conscious act of the young and
over-laboured brain. For three months I wandered outside the gates of
sorrow. My guardian, as they told me, was most attentive throughout the
whole course of the fever, and even in the press of business visited me
three times every day. Meanwhile, my mother was slowly shaking off the
stupor which lay upon her, and the new fear of losing me came through
that thick heaviness, like the wind through a fog. Doubtless it helped
to restore her senses, and awoke her to the work of life. Then, as time
went on, her former beauty and gentleness came back, and her reason too,
as regarded other subjects. But as to that which all so longed to know,
not a spark of evidence could be had from her. The faintest allusion to
that crime, the name of her loved husband, the mere word "murder"
uttered in her presence--and the consciousness would leave her eyes,
like a loan withdrawn. Upright she sat and rigid as when she was found
that night, with the lines of her face as calm and cold as moonlight.
Only two means there were by which her senses could be restored: one was
low sweet music, the other profound sleep. She was never thrown into
this cataleptic state by her own thoughts or words, nor even by those of
others when in strict sequence upon her own. But any attempt to lead
her to that one subject, no matter how craftily veiled, was sure to end
in this. The skilful physician, who had known her many years, judged,
after special study of this disease, in which he felt deep interest,
that it was always present in her brain, but waited for external aid to
master her. I need not say that she was now unfit for any stranger’s
converse, and even her most careful friends must touch sometimes the
motive string.
As I recovered slowly from long illness, the loss of my best friend and
the search for my worst enemy revived and reigned within me. Sometimes
my guardian would deign to reason with me upon what he called "my
monomania." When he did so, I would fix my eyes upon him, but never
tried to answer. Now and then, those eyes seemed to cause him some
uneasiness; at other times he would laugh and compare them pleasantly to
the blue fire-damp in a coal-mine. His dislike of their scrutiny was
well known to me, and incited me the more to urge it. But in spite of
all, he was ever kind and gentle to me, and even tried some grimly
playful overtures to my love, which fled from him with loathing, albeit
a slow conviction formed that I had wronged him by suspicion.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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