Why did I let you go? Well, I believe it was one of the many mistakes
of my life; but I had a number of reasons, though personal dislike of
you was not, as you thought, one of them. No, my child, I have never
disliked you; not even on the night when you came and denounced me, with
the dagger in your hand. I must indeed have been worse than I am, if I
could have nourished ill-will against a young thing, whom I had made an
orphan. By some instinct, you knew from the first that the deed was
mine, although I was not the doer. I would have loved you, if you would
have let me, my heart yearned so over children. But of my reason for
letting you go, the chiefest perhaps--setting aside that I could not
stop you--was this consideration. For years I had longed, and craved in
my heart of hearts, to tell your mother all, and obtain her gentle
forgiveness. But any allusion--no matter how veiled and mantled--to the
story of her loss threw her, as you know well, into a most peculiar
state, wherein all the powers of mind and body seemed to be quite
suspended. With a man’s usual roughness of prescription for the more
delicate sex, I believed firmly that total change of living, and air,
and place, and habits, would relax this wonderful closure, secure my
forgiveness, and re-establish her health. The shock I received at her
death was almost as terrible as when my brother died. When I stood
beside you at her grave, I was come with the full intention of telling
you all my story, and begging you to return with me, and live once more
in your father’s house. But your behaviour to me was so cold and
contemptuous, that I forgot my crushing debt to you; and humiliation
became, for the moment, impossible. I meant, however, to have written
to you that evening, before you should leave the village; but (as you
now are aware) that very evening, I was smitten helpless. Partially
recovering, after months of illness, I was deeply distressed to find
that you had left your good friends in Devonshire, and were gone, my
informants could not say whither. Neither had I learned your
whereabouts up to the time of my last illness, when I was making
inquiries, of which your enemy reaped the benefit. For the rest, you
know that I never meant to rob you of your inheritance, though bigoted
nonsense enables me. To-morrow, please God, I will put it out of my
power to do so. Mrs. Daldy’s motive you have long since perceived.
Failing my children, and the attainted Lepardo, her son is the heir to
all the lands of the Della Croce. She has held me much in her power, by
her knowledge of parts of my history. Henry’s baptismal entry, as well
as that of my marriage, was in the packet she stole. One word more, my
darling--and from an old man, who has wandered and suffered much, you
will not think it impertinent. Leave your revenge to God. In His
way--which we call wonderful, because the steps are unseen--He will
accomplish it for you, as righteousness demands. Any interference of
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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