Colonel Carter of CartersvilleSmith, Francis Hopkinson
General
Colonel Carter of Cartersville
Smith, Francis Hopkinson
Virginia -- Fiction
"Mr. Klutchem said that, outside of peanuts and sweet potatoes, all
my road would git for freight would be niggers and razor-back hogs."
"Mr. Klutchem was right, Colonel," said Fitz. "Very sensible man. They
will form a very large part of our freight. Anything offensive in that
remark of Klutchem's, Major Yancey?"
The major conferred with the judge, and said reluctantly that there
was not.
"Go on, Colonel," continued Fitz.
"Then, suh, he said he wouldn't trade a yaller dog for enough of our
bonds to papah a meetin'-house."
"Did he call you a yaller dog?" said Yancey searchingly, and
straightening himself up.
"No."
"Call anybody connected with you a yaller dog?"
"Can't say that he did."
"Call yo' railroad a yaller dog?"
"No, don't think so," said the colonel, now thoroughly confused and
adrift.
Yancey consulted with the judge a moment in one corner, and then said
gravely:--
"Unless some mo' direct insult is stated, Colonel, we must agree with
yo' friend Mr. Fitzpatrick, and consider yo' action hasty. Now, if you
had pressed the gemman, and he had called _you_ a yaller dog or a liar,
somethin' might be done. Why didn't you press him?"
"I did, suh. I told him his statements were false and his manners
vulgar."
"And he did not talk back?"
"No, suh; on'y laughed."
"Sneeringly, and in a way that sounded like 'Yo' 're another'?"
The colonel could not remember that it was.
Yancey ruminated, and Fitz now took a hand.
"On the contrary, Major Yancey, Mr. Klutchem's laugh was a very jolly
laugh; and, under the circumstances, a laugh very creditable to his
good nature. You are young and impetuous, but I know my learned friend,
Judge Kerfoot, will agree with me"--here Yancey patted his toy balloon
complacently, and the judge leaned forward with rapt attention--"when
I say that if any apologies are in order they should not come from Mr.
Klutchem."
It was delicious to note how easily Fitz fell into the oratorical
method of his hearers.
"Here is a man immersed in stocks, and totally ignorant of the boundless
resources of your State, who limits the freight of our road to four
staples,--peanuts, hogs, sweet potatoes, and niggers. As a further
exhibition of his ignorance he estimates the value of a large block
of our securities as far below the price set upon a light, tan-colored
canine, a very inexpensive animal; or, as he puts it, and perhaps too
coarsely,--a yellow dog. For the expression of these financial opinions
in an open office during business hours he is set upon, threatened
with expulsion, and finally challenged to a mortal duel. I ask you,
as chivalric Virginians, is this right?"
Yancey was about to answer, when the judge raised his hand impressively.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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