"Oh, I won't bulge the walls or strain the floor," I says. "I only want it for a Christmas tree. I am going to invite my friends to a little party." "Whew, but you must be popular!" he says. "Who the dickens are you? Brother Teddy, or Mother Eddy?" "I'm Colonel D. Austin Crockett, of Waco," I says as meek as I could. "Pleased to meet you, Colonel," he says. "What you running for?--District Attorney? Or are you starting a new Mutual Benefit Life Assassination?" "Neither," I says; "I'm a stranger in New York." "But these friends of yours?" he gasped. "Is all Waco coming up here on an excursion? Is the town going to move bodily?" "Mr. Prosecutor," I says, "if you'll stop cross-examining a minute, and let me tell how it all happened, it will save right smart of time. I am a stranger here to about four million people. They are strangers to me. We ought to know each other. So I'm going to give a little Madison Square Garden warming and invite 'em in." "What are you going to sell 'em--prize poultry, or physical culture?" "I've nothing to sell. I'm just going to entertain 'em." "Well, I've heard of Southern hospitality," he says, "but this beats me. How much you going to charge a head?" "Nothing. Everything is to be free. Admission included." "Not on your dear old Lost Cause!" he exclaims. "Leastways not in our little doll's house. Not for ten thousand dollars! Why, man, do you realize that if you offered these New York, Brooklyn, Bronx, Hackensack and Hoboken folks a free show, more'n two thousand women would get trampled to death? Did you ever see a bargain-counter crowd on Twenty-third Street? Well, that's only for a chance to get something they don't want at a fishbait price. But if you offered them a free, 'take-one' chance--holy keewhiz!--I can just see it now! The Garden ain't half big enough in the first place. There's enough Take-One'ers in these parts to fill the old Coliseum. And they'd make the wild animals look like a cage of rabbits or white mice." Well, the upshot of it was, he persuaded me to charge an admission; so we set it at $1.00 a head "on the hoof." I wrote out a card and sent it to all the papers to print at advertising rates. It cost right smart, but it looked neat: TO EVERY STRANGER IN NEW YORK, AND HIS LADY If you are not otherwise engaged on Christmas night, the honor of your presence at Madison Square Garden is requested by DAVID AUSTIN CROCKETT _Colonel Fifth Texas Cavalry, C. S. A._ Music, Dancing, Refreshments, Souvenirs. For the purpose of keeping out the undesirable element a charge of $1.00 will be made.