EXITS AND ENTRANCES.--R. means _Right;_ L., _Left;_ R. D., _Right Door;_ L. D., _Left Door;_ S. E., _Second Entrance;_ U. E., _Upper Entrance;_ M. D., _Middle Door;_ F., _the Flat;_ D. F., _Door in Flat._ RELATIVE POSITIONS.--R. means _Right;_ L., _Left;_ C., _Centre;_ R. C., _Right of Centre;_ L. C., _Left of Centre._ SCENE.--_A room decently furnished. At C. a bed, with curtains closed; at L. C. a door; at L. 3d E. a door; at L. S. E. a chest of drawers; at back, R., a window; at R. 3d E. a door; at R. S. E. a fireplace, with mantle-piece, table, and chairs, and a few common ornaments on chimney-piece. COX, dressed, with the exception of his coat, is looking at himself in a small looking-glass, which is in his hand._ COX. I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never have my hair cut again! (_His hair is very short._) I look as if I had just been cropped for the militia. And I was particularly emphatic in my instructions to the hair-dresser only to cut the ends off. He must have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind--I sha'n't meet anybody to care about so early. Eight o'clock, I declare! I haven't a moment to lose. Fate has placed me with the most punctual, particular, and peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfil my destiny. (_Knock at L. D._) Open locks, whoever knocks! _Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L._ MRS. B. Good-morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept comfortably, Mr. Cox? COX. I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged to you if you could accommodate me with a more protuberant bolster, Mrs. B. The one I've got now seems to me to have about a handful and a half of feathers at each end, and nothing whatever in the middle. MRS. B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox. COX. Thank you. Then perhaps you'll be good enough to hold this glass while I finish my toilet? MRS. B. Certainly (_holding glass before COX, who ties his cravat_). Why, I do declare, you've had your hair cut. COX. Cut! It strikes me I've had it mowed! It's very kind of you to mention it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of the absurdity of my personal appearance already. (_Puts on his coat._) Now for my hat. (_Puts on his hat, which comes over his eyes._) That's the effect of having one's hair cut. This hat fitted me quite tight before. Luckily I've got two or three more. (_Goes in at L., and returns with three hats of different shapes, and puts them on, one after the other--all of which are too big for him._) This is pleasant! Never mind. This one appears to me to wabble about rather less than the others. (_Puts on hat._) And now I'm off! By-the-bye, Mrs. Bouncer, I wish to call your attention to a fact that has been evident to me for some time past--and that is, that my coals go remarkably fast-- MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox! COX. It is not the case only with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer, but I've lately observed a gradual and steady increase of evaporation among my candles, wood, sugar, and lucifer-matches. MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me?