Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century; Farces
LADY (_very quickly_). Not at all, sir; on the contrary! No--that is--
GENTLEMAN. Permit me to continue. That interest, I repeat, comes
naturally to _you,_ blessed, as I'm sure you are, with so sweet, so
gentle, so affectionate a disposition.
LADY (_very quickly_). Quite the reverse, I assure you, sir--I've a
dreadful temper!
GENTLEMAN. Again: that charming hand is not less characteristic; it
requires but one glance at those delicately tapered fingers-- (_About
to take her hand; LADY hastily withdraws it._)
LADY (_aside_). I do believe the man's going to make love to me!
GENTLEMAN. But stay: I see one line here that is singularly prominent;
permit me (_taking LADY'S hand_).
LADY (_aside_). I'm quite at his mercy! Not the slightest use my
screaming!
GENTLEMAN (_looking at her hand_). Yes, a very sudden intersection,
threatening, I fear, some personal danger.
LADY (_alarmed_). Yes, very likely! (_Aside._) How intently he fixes
his eyes on my diamond ring!
GENTLEMAN. But were you not saying that you had once been exposed to
some peril in travelling?
LADY. Yes; but I was not _alone_ then.
GENTLEMAN. The "late lamented," I presume?
LADY. Yes; we were attacked by robbers in crossing the Pyrenees!
(_Very quickly._) Not that I particularly object to robbers! In fact,
I rather like them! (_Aside._) I may as well try what a little
flattery will do.
GENTLEMAN (_still holding her hand_). You have a remarkably fine
diamond here, madam!
LADY. Yes, a very good _imitation,_ isn't it?
GENTLEMAN. Excuse me. I cannot mistake a diamond--no, no; I've had too
many pass through my hands to do that!
LADY (_aside_). I'm afraid he has!
GENTLEMAN. And yet there's a flaw in it--if you'll allow me, I'll
point it out to you. (_Looking about, then suddenly taking up the
paper-knife; the LADY screams._) I'm afraid I alarmed you!
LADY (_trying to be calm_). Oh dear no! and if you've quite done
examining my hand--
GENTLEMAN. Quite, madam! (_releasing her hand_).
LADY. And you detect no further threatening of--personal danger?
GENTLEMAN. None whatever!
LADY. Then you are a believer in spiritualism and phrenology, and all
that sort of thing?
GENTLEMAN. Certainly I am! May I ask, madam, if you have ever examined
the head of a criminal?
LADY (_shocked_). Never, sir!
GENTLEMAN. Perhaps you have never even been brought into personal
contact with one?
LADY. Certainly not, sir; though I'm sure I should feel the greatest
pity for him--I should, indeed! (_in a commiserating tone_).
GENTLEMAN. Understand me; I don't allude to the _milder_ class of
criminals, such as thieves, robbers, forgers, burglars, and such like;
but one of those desperate fellows who--who--in fact, who _stick at
nothing!_ By-the-bye, I have a collection here of photographs of some
of our most notorious criminals, which I think would interest you.
LADY (_shuddering_). Yes--intensely!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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