Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century; Farces
GENTLEMAN (_opening his travelling-bag_). Ah! (_producing a revolver_)
there's rather a curious story connected with this revolver!
LADY (_alarmed, and trying to look unconcerned_). Indeed?
GENTLEMAN. I never travel without one--every chamber loaded and ready
for use, so that I have six lives at my disposal--a very comfortable
feeling to have! Don't you think so?
LADY. Yes, very much so, indeed!
GENTLEMAN. Here are the photographs (_producing packet_); here is one
of them (_about to show a portrait_). No, I make a mistake; this is
one of myself.
LADY (_aghast_). Yours?
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Yes! this is the one! (_presenting a second
portrait_). You'll observe a remarkable protuberance of this part of
the skull (_pointing to it_); that's the organ of destructiveness. I
have it myself, only not _quite_ so strongly developed! (_touching his
head_); don't you perceive it?
LADY. Yes--I--see! But I confess I cannot understand how _you_ happen
to be in possession of these _remarkably interesting_--works of art?
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). A very simple matter--my occupation
necessitates my associating with this particular class of "her
Majesty's subjects"--as I happen to be--
LADY (_quickly_). Hush! I know! You need not tell me!
GENTLEMAN (_anxiously_). What is the matter? You are positively
trembling--with cold, no doubt! Allow me to wrap this rug round you.
LADY. No, no!
GENTLEMAN. Nay, I insist! (_placing his rug round LADY'S feet_).
LADY. But you will feel the want of it yourself, especially as it
seems you have passed the night in the train!
GENTLEMAN. Exactly! Six hours ago I was in Dartmoor Prison!
LADY. Dartmoor! (_Aside._) He confesses it!
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Not a very attractive residence. I would gladly
have left it before, but, unfortunately, I was detained!
LADY. Detained!
GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). I may say _chained_ to it--by my confounded
profession!
LADY (_aside_). He calls it a _profession!_
GENTLEMAN. There's no saying how long the Home Secretary might have
kept me there; but I couldn't stand it any longer, so I managed to
make my escape, and now I'm free once more!
LADY (_suddenly starting up with a scream_). Stop, sir! Don't say any
more! Have pity on me, for mercy's sake! (_falling on her knees and
clasping her hands_).
GENTLEMAN (_astounded_). My dear madam--
LADY (_hysterically_). I know who you are; I know all about the scar
on your forehead! But I won't betray you--I won't, indeed! Here, take
my purse!--take my watch! (_thrusting the articles into the
GENTLEMAN'S hands_)--_all_ I have, good Mr. Burkshaw!--but spare my
life!
GENTLEMAN. Your life? Mr. Burkshaw? What--what do you mean?
LADY. Mercy! mercy!
GENTLEMAN (_seriously_). My dear madam! Pray compose yourself! You
have evidently fallen into some strange error; in a word, I happen to
be--
LADY. Yes, yes! I know who you happen to be! Take my advice and jump
out of the train!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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