LADY F. (_drawing herself up_). Mr. Vallance! (_To SIR FELIX._) Well, I confess you have the best of the game. SIR F. _And_ the last laugh! ARTH. Myrtle, have I fulfilled your conditions? have I shown some little amount of energy? MYRT. Yes, with a vengeance! ARTH. And may I hope-- SIR F. Have him now, Myrtle, while you can get him! LADY F. Keep her to her promise, Mr. Vallance! ARTH. Gladly! But it all depends on my uncle how soon! SIR F. Then he shall decide at once! Turn out, old tortoise! (_Wheels couch round to face the audience, and pulling off the antimacassars, etc._) Hang me if he isn't fast asleep! Wake up! (_tickling COLONEL with the feather brush_). COL. All right! Bring me my shaving-water! (_Sitting up, and looking about him._) Holloa! ARTH. Have you forgotten all about the elopement, uncle? COL. Elopement! Why, you ought to have been half way to the Sandwich Islands by this time! ARTH. Ha! ha! We've arranged that little matter differently. COL. (_crustily_). Then what the deuce did you wake me up for? SIR F. To let you go off to sleep again in a more comfortable frame of mind. LADY F. Come, colonel! Arthur's desperately in love with Myrtle. SIR F. And Myrtle's over head and ears in love with-- MYRT. (_interrupting him_). Felix! SIR F. With herself! They only wait your benediction. COL. Bother the benediction! I'll settle a thousand a year on them! SIR F. (_shaking his hand_). The most sensible thing you've said for a long time; and now you may go to sleep again as soon as you like. COL. Thank you! (_Feeling his pulse._) Ninety! That's better! SIR F. But a word at parting here! (_To audience._) How account for our eccentric behavior? Shall we boldly forestall the critics and say at once-- MYRT. Quite foreign in sentiment-- ARTH. Obviously borrowed from our lively neighbors-- COL. (_sententiously_). Possessing all their levity with regard to those domestic ties-- LADY F. (_putting her hand over his mouth_). In short--Taken from the French! CURTAIN FALLS. DECLINED--WITH THANKS. _Original Farce, in One Act._ DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. MR. GRITTY. CAPTAIN TAUNTON. EDWARD MALLINGFORD. MR. SAMUEL SKRUFF. SPRONKS'S BOY. FLORENCE HALLIDAY, } } (GRITTY'S nieces.) HETTY HALLIDAY. } SALLY, a servant. SCENE.--_Exterior of a villa on the banks of the Thames at Teddington--house partly seen at L. H.--a low green railing round it, in C. of which is a small garden gate--rustic seats, flower-beds, etc., scattered about stage--garden wall at R. H.--door in C.--large portable bell hanging over it--bell heard and seen to ring--noise of voices in dispute heard outside._ SKRUFF (_without_). Don't tell me! I saw you do it! You needn't apologize! What do you say--"You ain't a-going to?" Very well! (_another violent ring at bell_). _Enter SALLY from house and crossing to R._ SALLY. Who can it be ringing in that style, I wonder? (_opens door in C. of wall_).