_Lady Clarinda_.—Yes, a novel. And I shall get a little finery by it: trinkets and fal-lals, which I cannot get from papa. You must know I have been reading several fashionable novels, the fashionable this, and the fashionable that; and I thought to myself, why I can do better than any of these myself. So I wrote a chapter or two, and sent them as a specimen to Mr. Puffall, the book-seller, telling him they were to be a part of the fashionable something or other, and he offered me, I will not say how much, to finish it in three volumes, and let him pay all the newspapers for recommending it as the work of a lady of quality, who had made very free with the characters of her acquaintance. _Captain Fitzchrome_.—Surely you have not done so? _Lady Clarinda_.—Oh, no! I leave that to Mr. Eavesdrop. But Mr. Puffall made it a condition that I should let him say so. _Captain Fitzchrome_.—A strange recommendation. _Lady Clarinda_.—Oh, nothing else will do. And it seems you may give yourself any character you like, and the newspapers will print it as if it came from themselves. I have commended you to three of our friends here as an economist, a transcendentalist, and a classical scholar; and if you wish to be renowned through the world for these, or any other accomplishments, the newspapers will confirm you in their possession for half-a-guinea a piece. _Captain Fitzchrome_.—Truly, the praise of such gentry must be a feather in any one’s cap. _Lady Clarinda_.—So you will see, some morning, that my novel is “the most popular production of the day.” This is Mr. Puffall’s favourite phrase. He makes the newspapers say it of everything he publishes. But “the day,” you know, is a very convenient phrase; it allows of three hundred and sixty-five “most popular productions” in a year. And in leap-year one more. CHAPTER VI. THEORIES. But when they came to shape the model, Not one could fit the other’s noddle.—BUTLER. MEANWHILE, the last course, and the dessert, passed by. When the ladies had withdrawn, young Crotchet addressed the company. _Mr. Crotchet_, _jun._ There is one point in which philosophers of all classes seem to be agreed: that they only want money to regenerate the world. _Mr. Mac Quedy_.—No doubt of it. Nothing is so easy as to lay down the outlines of perfect society. There wants nothing but money to set it going. I will explain myself clearly and fully by reading a paper. (Producing a large scroll.) “In the infancy of society—” _The Rev. Dr. Folliott_.—Pray, Mr. Mac Quedy, how is it that all gentlemen of your nation begin everything they write with the “infancy of society?” _Mr. Mac Quedy_.—Eh, sir, it is the simplest way to begin at the beginning. “In the infancy of society, when government was invented to save a percentage; say two and a half per cent.—” _The Rev. Dr. Folliott_.—I will not say any such thing. _Mr. Mac Quedy_.—Well, say any percentage you please.