English fiction -- 20th century; English wit and humor; Imaginary letters; Letters in literature
Your friend,
JEANNE.
A RUSSIAN SAILOR
_Letter from a Russian Sailor to his Brother_
COWES, _July 23 (August 6), 1909_.
(St. Trafim’s Day.)
My dear brother Ivan,
I am alive and well, and I hope you are alive and well, and that
all the family are thriving, and I beg you to greet my father, my
stepmother, my brother Andrew, my sister, little Peter, and all my near
ones from me. Please also greet Dimitri Ivanovitch and Paul Borisovitch
and Anna Nikolaevna. We arrived yesterday in this country. It belongs
to the English, who possess so many countries. Their great Queen is
no longer alive, but there is now a King in her place who is a blood
relation of our Emperor.
We were sent on shore yesterday to buy provisions. Everything is very
cheap, except _vodka_, which costs three roubles a small bottle. But
the English drink a _vodka_ of their own which is also very dear, and
they drink a kind of beer which we do not care for much. The houses are
all built of brick and warmed with coal. Even the working men live in
stone houses and heat them with coal. There is no wood anywhere. The
houses and the streets are kept clean, and the people, even the gentry,
obey the police, and are humble when they are given orders. The English
are Christians, and like white men in all respects. They are not
heathens. Most of them are rich, and they have many lacqueys who obey
their masters like dumb slaves, and dare not look them in the face when
they speak to them.
The English food is nasty, and there is little to eat, although all
eat meat every day, except the very poor, who seldom receive alms from
the passers-by. There are here many beggars in the streets, but nobody
gives them food or money. We gave a cripple a quarter of a rouble and
he was surprised.
There are many luxurious ships in the harbour all painted white and
pretty to look at. At night they are lit up by electricity. The English
Fleet is here, too, and it is very big, and the ships are fine, and
we were heavy-hearted when we looked at it and thought of our brave
sailors who had been obliged to fight like lions for their dear
country. But there is no help for it, and if Providence wills we shall
one day have another fleet bigger than the first. The tide is strong
here, and dangerous for us who do not know where the rocks are, and
when we ask nobody can explain, for the English do not speak Russian
at all. I only know three things in English: “Plenty whisky,” which
means _vodka_; “five o’clock,” which means _shabash_ (all over); and
“alright,” which means “I thank you.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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