English fiction -- 20th century; English wit and humor; Imaginary letters; Letters in literature
Yesterday we went to Portsmouth, a town, for we could not buy what we
wanted in this place, which is only a village, although all the houses
are built of stone. Portsmouth is a beautiful town, with many shops,
palaces, theatres, and churches, and full of beautiful women who are
all married to sailors. It is the custom of the place to obey the
sailors in everything, and not to rob them. The English sailors are
rich, much richer than some of our generals. They spend their money
generously and treat everybody. They would be robbed in Russia, but
here everybody lives in terror of the police, and I am told that if
a poor man is arrested there is no chance of his not being condemned
to prison. They are strict, so they say, in their prisons, and the
“unfortunates” are not allowed even to speak to each other or to smoke.
Fancy this happening in Russia! If they are very bad they are sent to
America! But this only happens to the very bad criminals.
The English are polite to strangers, but uncivil among themselves.
They never greet each other, and even the naval officers never shake
hands with each other. When I first heard this I did not believe it, as
I thought only Turks behaved like that, but it is true, and they do not
seem to mind. The gentry live quite apart from the common people, but
the common people do not mind, and, indeed, they laugh at them openly,
and call them, so I was told, fools to their faces, and abuse them and
their mothers openly and without fear of any unpleasantness. All this
is because they obey and respect the law, and it’s very well, but we
could not live in a country like this, because it would sadden us.
Everything is in order here except the railways. There the disorder is
terrible. You buy no ticket for your seat, and you cannot register your
luggage. But the guards are strict and never let even a poor man travel
without a ticket! That would be a bad business for you, Ivan, who never
take a ticket. They tell me it is impossible to make any arrangement
with the railway guards because the Government is powerful and they are
afraid of being put in prison.
I only travelled a short distance, but it was difficult to get a
seat in the train. And if I had had any luggage it would certainly
have been stolen, as they will not allow you to take much luggage in
the carriage with you. The trains are bad. Their first class is more
uncomfortable than our third class, because there is no room to lie
down. You can get tea everywhere; but the English do not know how to
make tea. It is thick and black and bitter, like soup which has been
kept too long. They do not know how to make bread, and there is no
black bread. Their white bread is made of starch and is not fit to eat.
But since every one eats meat this does not matter.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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