England -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Humorous stories, English; Sailors -- Fiction
Sept. 17, 11.45 p.m.—Maid came to bedroom-door with some cough lozenges
which she asked me to take to the new billet. Took them. Private
Montease thanked me, but said he didn’t mind coughing. Said it was an
heirloom; Montease cough, known in highest circles all over Scotland
since time of Young Pretender.
Sept. 20.—Private Montease installed in easy-chair in dining-room with
touch of bronchitis, looking up trains to Bournemouth.
Sept. 21.—Private Montease in bed all day. Cook anxious “to do her bit”
rubbed his chest with home-made embrocation. Believe it is same stuff
she rubs chests in hall with. Smells the same anyway.
Sept. 24.—Private Montease, complaining of slight rawness of chest, but
otherwise well, returned to duty.
Oct. 5.—Cough worse again. Private Montease thinks that with care it
may turn to bronchitis. Borrowed an A.B.C.
Oct. 6.—Private Montease relates uncanny experience. Woke up with
feeling of suffocation to find an enormous black-currant and glycerine
jujube wedged in his gullet. Never owned such a thing in his life.
Seems to be unaware that he always sleeps with his mouth open.
Nov. 14.—Private Bowser, youngest and tallest of my billets, gazetted.
Nov. 15, 10.35 a.m.—Private Bowser in tip-top spirits said good-bye to
us all.
10.45.—Told that Q.M.S. Beddem desired to see me. Capitulated. New
billet, Private Early, armed to the teeth, turned up in the evening.
Said that he was a Yorkshireman. Said that Yorkshire was the finest
county in England, and Yorkshiremen the finest men in the world. Stood
toying with his bayonet and waiting for contradiction.
Jan. 5, 1916.—Standing in the garden just after lunch was witness to
startling phenomenon. Q.M.S. Beddem came towards front-gate with a
smile so expansive that gate after first trembling violently on its
hinges swung open of its own accord. Q.M.S., with smile (sad), said he
was in trouble. Very old member of the Inns of Court, Private Keen, had
re-joined, and he wanted a good billet for him. Would cheerfully give
up his own bed, but it wasn’t long enough. Not to be outdone in
hospitality by my own gate accepted Private Keen. Q.M.S. digging hole
in my path with toe of right boot, and for first and only time
manifesting signs of nervousness, murmured that two life-long friends
of Private Keen’s had rejoined with him. Known as the Three
Inseparables. Where they were to sleep, unless I——. Fled to house, and
locking myself in top-attic watched Q.M.S. from window. He departed
with bent head and swagger-cane reversed.
Jan 6.—Private Keen arrived. Turned out to be son of an old Chief of
mine. Resolved not to visit the sins of the father on the head of a
child six feet two high and broad in proportion.
Feb. 6.—Private Keen came home with a temperature.
Feb. 7.—M.O. diagnosed influenza. Was afraid it would spread.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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