I have corrected the orthography, and revised some grammatical
inaccuracies; but, besides attending to these trifles, inserting marks
of punctuation, and putting the capitals in the right places, I assure
you I have made no alteration.
"SALL HARBOR, June 31, 1854.
MY DEAR DOCTOR. [You know I attended medical lectures half a winter,
and once assisted in getting a crooked needle out of a baby's leg;
so I understand perfectly well the theory and practice of medicine,
and the _Doctor_ is perfectly legitimate under the Prussian system.]
By the incessant study required in this establishment, I had become
worn down so thin that I was obliged to put on an overcoat to cast a
shadow--but accidentally hearing of your Balsam, I obtained a
quantity, and, in obedience to the Hom[oe]opathic principles of this
Institution, took an_infinitesimal_ dose only; in four days I
measured one hundred and eighty-two inches round the waist; could
chop eleven cords of hickory wood in two hours and a half; and, on a
bet, carried a yoke of oxen two miles and a quarter in my left hand,
my right being tied behind me, and if any one doubts the fact, the
oxen are still to be seen.
About two weeks after this, I had the pleasure of participating
in a gunpowder explosion, on which occasion my arms and legs were
scattered over the village, and my mangled remains pretty equally
distributed throughout the entire county.
Under these circumstances my life was despaired of, and my
classmates had bought a pine coffin, and borrowed whole shirts to
attend the funeral in; when the invincible power of your four
horse-power balsam (which I happened to have in my vest pocket)
suddenly brought together the scattered pieces of my body--collected
my limbs from the rural districts--put new life into my shattered
frame, and I was restored, uninjured to my friends, with a new set
of double teeth.
I have preserved the label which enveloped the bottle, and have
sewed it into the seat of my pantaloons, and I now bid grim death
defiance, for I feel that I am henceforth unkillable, and in fact I
am even now generally designated the '_Great Western Achilles_.'
Yours entirely
SKI HY."
I feel that after this, I need give you no more reports of third
persons, but will detail some of my own personal experience of the
article.
I caused some to be applied to the Washtenaw Bank after its failure, and
while the Balsam lasted the Bank redeemed its notes with specie.
The cork of one of the bottles dropped upon the head of a childless
widow, and in six weeks she had a young and blooming husband.
Administered some to a hack-driver in a glass of gin and sugar, and
that day he swindled but seven people, and only gave two of them bad
money in change.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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