None can say that this was not good advice, The only mischief was, it came too late; Of all experience ’tis the usual price, A sort of income-tax laid on by fate: Juan had reach’d the room-door in a. trice, And might have done so by the garden-gate, But met Alfonso in his dressing-gown, Who threaten’d death—so Juan knock’d him down. Dire was the scuffle, and out went the light; Antonia cried out ‘Rape!’ and Julia ‘Fire!’ But not a servant stirr’d to aid the fight. Alfonso, pommell’d to his heart’s desire, Swore lustily he’d be revenged this night; And Juan, too, blasphemed an octave higher; His blood was up: though young, he was a Tartar, And not at all disposed to prove a martyr. Alfonso’s sword had dropp’d ere he could draw it, And they continued battling hand to hand, For Juan very luckily ne’er saw it; His temper not being under great command, If at that moment he had chanced to claw it, Alfonso’s days had not been in the land Much longer.—Think of husbands’, lovers’ lives! And how ye may be doubly widows—wives! Alfonso grappled to detain the foe, And Juan throttled him to get away, And blood (’twas from the nose) began to flow; At last, as they more faintly wrestling lay, Juan contrived to give an awkward blow, And then his only garment quite gave way; He fled, like Joseph, leaving it; but there, I doubt, all likeness ends between the pair. Lights came at length, and men, and maids, who found An awkward spectacle their eyes before; Antonia in hysterics, Julia swoon’d, Alfonso leaning, breathless, by the door; Some half-torn drapery scatter’d on the ground, Some blood, and several footsteps, but no more: Juan the gate gain’d, turn’d the key about, And liking not the inside, lock’d the out. Here ends this canto.—Need I sing, or say, How Juan naked, favour’d by the night, Who favours what she should not, found his way, And reach’d his home in an unseemly plight? The pleasant scandal which arose next day, The nine days’ wonder which was brought to light, And how Alfonso sued for a divorce, Were in the English newspapers, of course. If you would like to see the whole proceedings, The depositions, and the cause at full, The names of all the witnesses, the pleadings Of counsel to nonsuit, or to annul, There’s more than one edition, and the readings Are various, but they none of them are dull; The best is that in short-hand ta’en by Gurney, Who to Madrid on purpose made a journey. But Donna Inez, to divert the train Of one of the most circulating scandals That had for centuries been known in Spain, At least since the retirement of the Vandals, First vow’d (and never had she vow’d in vain) To Virgin Mary several pounds of candles; And then, by the advice of some old ladies, She sent her son to be shipp’d off from Cadiz.