“There ought to be. There is, on my side. I have all kinds of reasons
for asking you to be my wife: I believe that I can make you happy in
the fulfilment of your plans; I admire you and respect you more than
any other woman I ever saw; and I love you.”
“I don’t love you, and that is reason enough.”
“Yes, between boys and girls. But between men and women it isn’t
enough. Do you dislike me?”
“No.”
“Am I repulsive in any way?”
“No, no!”
“I know that I am not very young and that I am not very good-looking.”
“It isn’t that at all.”
“Of course I know that such things weigh with women, and that personal
traits and habits are important in an affair like this. I am slovenly
and indifferent about my dress; but it’s only because I have lived
where every sort of spirit and ambition was useless. I don’t know about
city ways, but I could pick up all of them that were worth while. I
spoke of going to Boston; but I would go anywhere else with you, east
or west, that you chose, and I know that I should succeed. I haven’t
done what I might have done with myself, because I’ve never had an
object in life. I’ve always lived in the one little place, and I’ve
never been out of it except when I was in the army. I’ve always liked
my profession; but nothing has seemed worth while. You were a
revelation to me; you have put ambition and hope into me. I never saw
any woman before that I would have turned my hand to have. They always
seemed to me fit to be the companions of fools, or the playthings of
men. But of all the simpletons, the women who were trying to do
something for woman, as they called it, trying to exemplify and
illustrate a cause, were the silliest that I came across. I never
happened to have met a woman doctor before you came to me; but I had
imagined them, and I couldn’t believe in you when I saw you. You were
not supersensitive, you were not presumptuous, and you gave up, not
because you distrusted yourself, but because your patient distrusted
you. That was right: I should have done the same thing myself. Under my
direction, you have shown yourself faithful, docile, patient,
intelligent beyond anything I have seen. I have watched you, and I
know; and I know what your peculiar trials have been from that woman.
You have taught me a lesson,—I’m not ashamed to say it; and you’ve
given me a motive. I was wrong to ask you to marry me so that you might
carry out your plans: that was no way to appeal to _you_. What I meant
was that I might make your plans my own, and that we might carry them
out together. I don’t care for making money; I have always been poor,
and I had always expected to be so; and I am not afraid of hard work.
There isn’t any self-sacrifice you’ve dreamed of that I wouldn’t gladly
and proudly share with you. You can’t do anything by yourself, but we
could do anything together. If you have any scruple about giving up
your theory of medicine, you needn’t do it; and the State Medical
Association may go to the devil. I’ve said my say.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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