Bildungsromans; Psychological fiction; Young women -- Fiction
‘Listen, Martin.’ She took his hand and started to speak hurriedly, for
fear of more kissing. ‘About that truth business. What was I going to
say....’ She steadied her voice. ‘Yes. If you tried to--compel the truth
you’d expect a lie, wouldn’t you? That’s logic. I’d always expect a lie
anyway. I mean ... I shouldn’t be at all surprised by it. I’d say it was
my fault for not leaving you alone--not letting you be free enough--I’d
think: well, I tried to coerce him, so he chose to deceive me. He was
quite right.’
‘A lie’s a lie,’ said Martin obstinately.
‘A lie’s a--What does that mean? It doesn’t mean anything. Unless you
believe God watches and writes down in his notebook: Martin Fyfe told a
lie on Monday. If this goes on he won’t get his harp. Do you? Truth!
What’s truth? Why, half your so-called truths are built on lies. You can
scarcely distinguish. I could--I bet I could--act a lie to you all my
life and you’d never know it. _Be_ a lie.’
He flushed swiftly at the last words and said in a stiff way:
‘I daresay you could. You’re clever enough for anything and I’m a fool.
But don’t try, please....’
‘But there must be no compulsion, Martin!’ she insisted, horribly. ‘You
wouldn’t try--to get at me--would you? You’d let me be, by myself? If
you ever forced me when I was unwilling I’d tell lies and lies and
congratulate myself for it. And I’d _never_ forgive you.’
He lit a cigarette and said, close-lipped, eyes fixed on the grass:
‘Does all this mean you want me to understand you’ve--changed your mind
and wish to cry off?’
She threw out her arms dramatically, crying:
‘Can’t I say anything? Can’t I say anything without being
misunderstood?... being....’
‘I’ve never seen you like this, Judith.’ He got up and stood looking at
her in despair. ‘It worries me. I don’t understand.’
‘It’s not customary, I suppose, in an engaged young lady....’
She shut her eyes, and the tears scorched their lids bitterly.
‘Judy, what is it? Oh, Judy!’
‘Oh, Martin!’ Hands pressed to forehead, voice a faint moan, she
struggled on: ‘Only there are--some things--aren’t there?--there might
be things which _can’t_ be told. Things one must forget--try to--at
once----’
‘Yes. Yes. If you say so,’ he soothed and whispered.
‘Because of the useless misery ... and because they’ve--withered up your
heart--so that you couldn’t recall them--even if you tried.’
‘Yes, my dear.’
‘I’ve had--one or two unhappinesses in my life. Everybody has, I
suppose. I want to forget them....’
‘Of course, Judy, of course. You must _never_ tell me anything you’d
rather not.’
She put her arms round his neck a moment.
‘Thank you, Martin.’ She dried her eyes and said: ‘I won’t be so silly
any more.’
And if a doubt or a fear had begun to cloud his mind, his voice was none
the less gentle, his eyes none the less trusting.
He took her back to the garden and gathered sun-warmed strawberries for
her; and they talked cheerfully together until lunch time.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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