Bildungsromans; Psychological fiction; Young women -- Fiction
Tony would have him all to himself now: no Martin, no Judith to
interfere. He would be happy. They would come closer to each other; and
never again would Judith be able to step in between them; for there was
no more Judith. What were they talking of so earnestly--what, what? The
old yearning to know, to understand, returned for a moment, and was
followed by an utter blankness; and she knew that she had never known
Roddy. He had never been for her. He had not once, for a single hour,
become a part of real life. He had been a recurring dream, a figure seen
always with abnormal clarity and complete distortion. The dream had
obsessed her whole life with the problem of its significance, but now
she was rid of it.
She had tried to make a reality out of the unreality: she had had the
power to drag him once, reluctantly, from his path to meet her, to force
a convergence where none should ever have been; and then disaster had
resulted.
She seemed to wake up suddenly. Roddy, Roddy himself had been passing in
the street outside. She could have seen him, and, instead, her eyes had
not wavered from his reflection. A shadow laid on a screen and then
wiped off again: he had never been much more; it was fittingly symbolic
that she should have allowed him to pass thus for the last time from her
eyes. For it was certain that she would never see him again.
Half-past four. She would not watch the window for Jennifer any more.
For the first time it occurred to her that Jennifer might not come. She
beckoned to the waitress and ordered China tea and scone.
‘I won’t wait any longer for my friend. Something must have delayed
her.’
She sat on, crumbling the scone, sipping tea. She counted twenty-three
times over very slowly; and then looked at the door. Then she counted
again. She took an illustrated paper from the window-sill and studied
it. If she went straight through its pages without looking up, Jennifer
would come.
Quarter to five. Jennifer might have made a mistake about the tea-shop:
perhaps she was sitting waiting somewhere else. But that was impossible.
Perhaps she had confused the time, the date....
She took Jennifer’s letter from her bag. October 24th. Four o’clock.
“_Don’t wait for me after five._”
What was it that she had scratched out? She scrutinized the thick
erasure; but there was no clue.
The clocks struck five. When the last one had finished chiming she rose,
paid her bill and went out again into the happy-looking streets, where
there was nothing more now to fear or to desire.
* * * * *
The train steamed out of the station.
Farewell to Cambridge, to whom she was less than nothing. She had been
deluded into imagining that it bore her some affection. Under its
politeness, it had disliked and distrusted her and all other females;
and now it ignored her. It took its mists about it, folding within them
Roddy and Tony and all the other young men; and let her go.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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