Bildungsromans; Psychological fiction; Young women -- Fiction
No more lessons in Greek: no more hearing him softly open his door to
listen to her playing,--(though he never praised her, what praise that
had been!) No more talk--now and then, when he remembered her, when his
eyes dwelt on her with interest--of books and pictures and music and
famous people he knew. No second proud visit to Cambridge with him, no
seeing him sigh, smile, dream from an old don’s window over Trinity
Great Court in the sun, after the lunch-party. The three elderly
bachelors had smiled at her, embarrassed by her presence, doubtful as
regards the attentions due to a young lady. They had been shy with her,
courteous, careful and elegant of speech, a little dusty altogether, but
gentle like their rooms, like the old gold light falling outside on
ancient buildings. She had listened to them all savouring and playing
with words, quoting Greek, saying “Do you remember?” He had seemed so
distinguished, so brilliant, a man ripe and calm with knowledge. And
afterwards he had shown her the colleges and the Backs and promised to
come often to see her when she came up. He had talked of his youth and
for a moment they had trembled on the verge of shared emotions: no more
of that, no hope of future rich Cambridge occasions.
No more watching his intent and noble profile in the lamplight, stooped
hour after hour over his writing, opposite the bust of Homer. Once or
twice he had looked up and smiled at her as though vaguely content to
have her with him. His desk was empty for ever. That was pathetic; it
would bring tears if dwelt on; it made him so human.
Did it hurt to die?
Now in a flash she remembered the question:
‘Daddy, does it hurt to die?’
Years ago. Grandmamma had just died. When he came to say good-night to
her in bed, she had asked him that.
He had remained silent and brooding. His silence filled her with terror:
her heart beat and, red and panic-stricken, she stared at him. He was
going to tell her something dreadful, he knew something so terrible
about Grandmamma, about death and the way it hurt that he could not
speak.... He was going to die.... _She_ was.... O God! O Jesus!
At last he had sighed and said:
‘No, no. It doesn’t hurt at all to die.’
She had flung herself weeping into his arms, and he had clasped her in
silence; and from his quiet, pressing shoulder, comfort had poured in
and in upon her.
It did not hurt at all to die, it was quite all right, he had said. He
had just died.
She looked about her, at the brooding room. Nothing but loneliness,
helplessness, appalling silence. She was cold too, shivering.
A little while ago she had been next door. Now the house would all be
dark, shut to her. Supposing she were to run back to them with her
tidings, surely they would help, advise, console: for they were her
friends.
‘Roddy, Roddy, Daddy’s dead.’
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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