Humorous stories, American; United States -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
DISTRESSING ACCIDENT.--Last evening, about six o'clock, as Mr.
William Schuyler, an old and respectable citizen of South Park,
was leaving his residence to go down-town, as has been his usual
custom for many years with the exception only of a short interval
in the spring of 1850, during which he was confined to his bed by
injuries received in attempting to stop a runaway horse by
thoughtlessly placing himself directly in its wake and throwing
up his hands and shouting, which, if he had done so even a single
moment sooner, must inevitably have frightened the animal still
more instead of checking its speed, although disastrous enough to
himself as it was, and rendered more melancholy and distressing
by reason of the presence of his wife's mother, who was there and
saw the sad occurrence, notwithstanding it is at least likely,
though not necessarily so, that she should be reconnoitring in
another direction when incidents occur, not being vivacious and
on the lookout, as a general thing, but even the reverse, as her
own mother is said to have stated, who is no more, but died in
the full hope of a glorious resurrection, upward of three years
ago, aged eighty-six, being a Christian woman and without guile,
as it were, or property, in consequence of the fire of 1849,
which destroyed every single thing she had in the world. But such
is life. Let us all take warning by this solemn occurrence, and
let us endeavor so to conduct ourselves that when we come to die
we can do it. Let us place our hands upon our heart, and say with
earnestness and sincerity that from this day forth we will beware
of the intoxicating bowl.--_First edition of the Californian._
The head editor has been in here raising the mischief, and tearing
his hair and kicking the furniture about, and abusing me like a
pickpocket. He says that every time he leaves me in charge of the
paper for half an hour, I get imposed upon by the first infant or
the first idiot that comes along. And he says that that distressing
item of Mr. Bloke's is nothing but a lot of distressing bosh, and
has no point to it, and no sense in it, and no information in it,
and that there was no sort of necessity for stopping the press to
publish it.
Now all this comes of being good-hearted. If I had been as
unaccommodating and unsympathetic as some people, I would have told
Mr. Bloke that I wouldn't receive his communication at such a late
hour; but no, his snuffling distress touched my heart, and I jumped
at the chance of doing something to modify his misery. I never read
his item to see whether there was anything wrong about it, but
hastily wrote the few lines which preceded it, and sent it to the
printers. And what has my kindness done for me? It has done nothing
but bring down upon me a storm of abuse and ornamental blasphemy.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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