Produced by Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) Transcriber's Note: Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. Dialect spellings, contractions and discrepancies have been retained. ELIZA _Says_ ROBERT BARR _in_ THE IDLER:-- "... and as for Barry Pain's 'Eliza' I question if anything more d e l i c i o u s l y humourous, and of a humour so restrained, has been written since the time of Lamb." [Illustration: "_It was true I ran into the horse._" (_See page_ 24.)] ELIZA By BARRY PAIN ILLUSTRATED BY WALLACE GOLDSMITH BOSTON DANA ESTES & COMPANY PUBLISHERS _Copyright, 1904_ BY DANA ESTES & COMPANY _COLONIAL PRESS_ _Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co. Boston, Mass., U.S.A._ CONTENTS PAGE ELIZA'S HUSBAND 3 THE CARDS 13 ELIZA'S MOTHER 23 MISS SAKERS 33 THE ORCHESTROME 41 THE TONIC PORT 49 THE GENTLEMAN OF TITLE 59 THE HAT 67 MY FORTUNE 73 SHAKESPEARE 81 THE UNSOLVED PROBLEM 89 THE DAY OFF 97 THE MUSHROOM 107 THE PLEASANT SURPRISE 115 THE MOPWORTHS 123 THE PEN-WIPER 135 THE 9.43 143 THE CONUNDRUMS 151 THE INK 159 THE PUBLIC SCANDAL 167 THE "CHRISTIAN MARTYR" 175 THE PAGRAMS 183 PROMOTION 191 ELIZA'S HUSBAND "Suppose," I said to one of the junior clerks at our office the other day, "you were asked to describe yourself in a few words, could you do it?" His answer that he could describe me in two was no answer at all. Also the two words were not a description, and were so offensive that I did not continue the conversation.