"This letter will be placed in your hands by a clergyman, who
will at the same time inform you that I am dying, and that, as
a dying man, I solemnly address you, and charge you to read
the whole of this letter. Your wife is not dead; and on my
death-bed I desire to do her that justice which I withheld
from her so long, while she vainly sought for it at my hands.
I have loved her passionately and for years; and if she had
returned my affection, she would not be dying now of a broken
heart, and I should not be on the brink of madness. Do not
imagine that I am mad _now_. I am in the full possession of my
senses; and if I could, or dared, thank God for anything, it
would be for this interval of reason, which allows me to
declare, with all the force of a death-bed assertion, that the
woman, whom you have turned out of your house as my mistress,
is as pure as she was on the fatal day when we both first saw
her; and loves you with a passion which has made the misery of
my life, which has baffled every effort I made to destroy her
virtue, and which she dies of at last, blessing you, and
hating me as a woman; but, perhaps, forgiving me as a
Christian. Not quite three years ago, a dreadful accident, an
extraordinary train of circumstances, threw her into my power.
I saw her in a fit of almost childish passion strike her
cousin Julia; the child was standing in a dangerous position,
her foot slipped, and she fell down the cliff; you know the
rest; had you known it sooner you might now be the happy
husband of the woman whom I adore. _You_ too will know the
meaning of those horrible words _too late_, which I have
repeated to her in malice, and to myself in despair, till I
feel as if they would ring in my ears through an eternity of
misery. She wanted courage, she wanted opportunity, to accuse
herself of the involuntary act which resembled murder in its
results, and which, in the secret cogitations of her restless
soul, and excited imagination, assumed a form of guilt and of
terror which nothing could efface. _I_ kept her secret! I
forced Mrs. Tracy, (Alice's grandmother,) who was in my room,
on some matters of business at the time, to keep it too. I
devoted myself to my victim; I watched her continually; I read
each emotion of her soul; I soothed her terrors; I flattered
her; I made her believe, by a series of artful contrivances,
that _you_ were the possessor of her secret, and thus sought,
by fear, by distrust, by every pang which that belief
occasioned, to crush that passion, the dawn of which I had
detected with rage and despair. Under that impression, she saw
you depart with a resigned and sullen indifference; and for
some months I thought myself, if not loved, at least liked, to
a degree which justified my hopes and my designs. They were
cruelly disappointed;--a fatal engagement, an entanglement in
which guilt and folly had involved me, prevented my offering
myself to her in any way but that of urging her to a secret
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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