Far from displaying before him the zeal of a new convert, I was
encouraged by these observations and I made no secret of my way of
thinking, nor did he seem to be shocked by it. Sometimes I would
say to myself, he overlooks my indifference to the religion I have
adopted because he sees I am equally indifferent to the religion
in which I was brought up; he knows that my scorn for religion is
not confined to one sect. But what could I think when I sometimes
heard him give his approval to doctrines contrary to those of the
Roman Catholic Church, and apparently having but a poor opinion of
its ceremonies. I should have thought him a Protestant in disguise
if I had not beheld him so faithful to those very customs which he
seemed to value so lightly; but I knew he fulfilled his priestly
duties as carefully in private as in public, and I knew not what
to think of these apparent contradictions. Except for the fault
which had formerly brought about his disgrace, a fault which he
had only partially overcome, his life was exemplary, his conduct
beyond reproach, his conversation honest and discreet. While I lived
on very friendly terms with him, I learnt day by day to respect
him more; and when he had completely won my heart by such great
kindness, I awaited with eager curiosity the time when I should
learn what was the principle on which the uniformity of this strange
life was based.
This opportunity was a long time coming. Before taking his disciple
into his confidence, he tried to get the seeds of reason and kindness
which he had sown in my heart to germinate. The most difficult
fault to overcome in me was a certain haughty misanthropy, a certain
bitterness against the rich and successful, as if their wealth
and happiness had been gained at my own expense, and as if their
supposed happiness had been unjustly taken from my own. The foolish
vanity of youth, which kicks against the pricks of humiliation,
made me only too much inclined to this angry temper; and the
self-respect, which my mentor strove to revive, led to pride, which
made men still more vile in my eyes, and only added scorn to my
hatred.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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