A Welsh tourist, among many other _judicious_ observations, remarked that the _mad_-house of Lanark was in a very _crazy_ state. THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES. An old offender being asked, whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge? answered,--“I have done still worse--I have suffered myself to be apprehended.” SELDEN. When the learned John Selden was a member of the Assembly of Divines at Westminster, who were appointed to new-model religion, he delighted to puzzle them by curious quibbles. Once they were gravely engaged in determining the exact distance between Jerusalem and Jericho; and one of them, to prove it could not be great, observed, “that _fish_ were carried from one place to the other.” On which Selden observed, “Perhaps it was _salt_ fish;” which again threw the Assembly into doubt. TRADE. A gentleman passing Milford churchyard a few days since, observing the sexton digging a grave addressed him with--“Well, how goes trade in your line, friend?” “Very _dead_, sir!” was the reply. NAUTICAL SERMON. When Whitfield preached before the seamen at New York he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon: “Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden louring of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Don’t you hear distant thunder? Don’t you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! the tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?” It is said, that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose, with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, “Take to the longboat!” Mr. Whitfield, seizing upon this reply, urged them to take to Jesus Christ as the long boat, with an ingenuity which produced the happiest effects. SENSIBILITY. A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. “How,” said she, “can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death?” “Why not, madam?” said the butcher; “you wouldn’t eat them alive, would you?” GRATIFYING REFLECTION. An English baronet, being asked when he should finish his house, ingenuously answered, “Sir, it is a question whether I shall finish my house, or my house finish me.” ALDERMAN WOOD. A certain alderman, when young, was thought clever at carving figures from _wood_. He was asked from whence he copied them? “No where,” said the worthy dignitary; “I made ’em all _out of my own head_.” “Thus Pallas sprang from brains of Jove.” MATHEMATICAL WIND.