Thus Hazlitt comforted her who was weeping not with remorse for what had
been, but that it had gone. No word consciousness stirred her grief. An
unintelligible sorrow, it swelled in her heart and filled her with
helplessness. Life had gone from her. She was mourning for it. Mourning
for a murderess and a sinner who had gone, abandoned her and left her a
naked, uninteresting Pauline Pollard again--a nobody surrounded by
nobodies. And once it had been different. Lighted faces listening to her
in a room. Frankie whispering, "What the devil, Pauline?"
A fresh burst of tears brought Hazlitt in front of her. Gently he moved
her hands from her face.
"You mustn't," he began over again.
"Oh, I won't ever be able to...."
"Yes you will, little girl."
"No, no!"
She was standing. Snow outside. Rows of lighted windows drifting.
Thoughts slipped out of his head. Traffic probably tied up.
"Please don't cry."
She dropped her head against his shoulder and wept anew. It was nice to
have somebody asking her not to cry. It made it easier and more
purposeful to weep.
Hazlitt sighed. Tears ... tears ... the live odor of hair. Arms that
felt soft. She was mumbling close to him, "I can't help it. Please
forgive me."
"Yes, yes! There, there!" Of course he would forgive her. Forgiveness
made him glow. But as he spoke his voice depressed him. What should he
do? Could he help her? What was life, anyway? Snow outside and rows of
lighted windows drifting. Her body close, warm, and saddening. The
firmness of his nerves dissolved. He had his sorrow too ... Rachel. Far
away. Drifting like the snow outside. Rachel ... the odor of hair
brought her back. Should he cry? Her knees had touched him once like
this. She had held her arm about his shoulder once, like this. But, oh,
so different!... The girl seemed to come closer to him.
He had been holding a stranger politely. Now the stranger relaxed. Soft,
warm, familiar body. He grew frightened. Somehow the clinging of the
girl's body, the murmur of her tears, brought a sorrow into his heart. I
am not Rachel, but I am like her.... What made him think that? Yes, she
was like her, warm, soft, and woman. Like her--like her. Why had they
kissed? And her hands clasping nervously at his shoulders? She was not
in love? Not Rachel. But she wanted something. And he too. Something
that was a dream song. Here were the lips of the singer, eager, reaching
to his own. Pressing, asking more. How had this happened? Should he
speak? But what? Nothing to say. Had he forgotten Rachel? Remembering
Rachel? Who was this? The questions blurred. Rachel, sang his heart. For
a moment he embraced the warm shadow of a dream. And then a woman was
offering herself to him. No dream now. Her thighs riveted themselves
against him. Under her clothes her body seemed to be moving, coming to
him.
Hazlitt grew dizzy. He had been consoling her. No more. Now what? He
threw his strength into his embrace. Their bodies moved together.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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