To be able to separate best English from merely good English needs a long process of special education, but to recognize bad English one need merely skim through a page of a book, and if a single expression in the left-hand column following can be found (unless purposely quoted in illustration of vulgarity) it is quite certain that the author neither writes best English nor belongs to Best Society. NEVER SAY: CORRECT FORM: In our residence we retire At our house we go to bed early (or arise) early (or get up) I desire to purchase I should like to buy Make you acquainted with (See Introductions) Pardon _me_! I beg your pardon. Or, Excuse me! Or, sorry! Lovely food Good food Elegant home Beautiful house--or place A stylish dresser She dresses well, or she wears lovely clothes Charmed! or Pleased to How do you do! meet you! Attended Went to I trust I am not trespassing I hope I am not in the way (unless trespassing on private property is actually meant) Request (meaning ask) Used only in the third person in formal written invitations. Will you accord me permission? Will you let me? or May I? Permit me to assist you Let me help you Brainy Brilliant or clever I presume I suppose Tendered him a banquet Gave him a dinner Converse Talk Partook of liquid refreshment Had something to drink Perform ablutions Wash A song entitled Called (proper if used in legal sense) I will ascertain I will find out Residence or mansion House, or big house In the home In some one's house or At home Phone, photo, auto Telephone, photograph, automobile "Tintinnabulary summons," meaning bell, and "Bovine continuation," meaning cow's tail, are more amusing than offensive, but they illustrate the theory of bad style that is pretentious. As examples of the very worst offenses that can be committed, the following are offered: "Pray, accept my thanks for the flattering ovation you have tendered me." "Yes," says the preposterous bride, "I am the recipient of many admired and highly prized gifts." "Will you permit me to recall myself to you?"