This time she spoke in a tone of sadness and feeling. Why did I not
tell her that I did love a woman; that I loved her with my whole soul,
and that that woman was herself? That is what a great many people
will think a man of spirit would have done. As far as spirit means
pride, it was pride that prevented me from even thinking of doing
such a thing. Here was a lady, wealthy, refined, highly educated, and
highly bred. She had made a plain, business-like proposition to me in
a plain, business-like manner. What right had I to introduce into the
discussion an element of the possibility of which she had clearly never
even dreamt? True, I was a gentleman by birth, but I was a shopman by
position. To have avowed my love for her would have been as grotesque
as if I were to declare my passion for the next lady who came into Mr.
Conder's shop. Of all this I was keenly sensible, for there could be
no greater gall to my pride than the tone in which she spoke, which
seemed as if she were unconscious that she could be loved by such as I.
Instinctively I knew that if I deviated in the least from the purely
commercial programme she was dictating, the whole matter would come to
an abrupt and final conclusion. I would have liked, goodness knows,
to have said that I would obey her behest without reward. But that, I
saw, would alter the whole spirit of the contract in such a way as to
destroy the contract itself, and thus place us everlastingly apart. If
we once went through the form of marriage, there was just a possibility
of her yet being my wife in a higher sense. If I returned to Mr.
Conder's shop we were parted forever.
This being clearly before my mind, I braced myself up by a strong
effort, and said:
"No, madam. I told you the truth to-day. You are not taking me from any
woman. But I am surprised, it is a great change for me--I perfectly
understand the proposition you have made. We are to go through a
form of marriage, and I am never to seek to know anything about you
afterward. Yes, madam, I pledge my word of honor to abide by the
contract."
She then asked me some questions about myself, taking notes of my
answers--who my parents were, where I was born, and so forth. If she
had been a barrister in full practice she could not have made the
examination more searching and condensed. The examination over she took
down my address both at Mr. Conder's and at 8 Charlton Crescent, High
Street, Islington, and then said:
"To-day is Tuesday. You will hear from Mr. Chambers by Saturday morning
at the latest--probably before that--in the meantime, will you promise
me that you will not talk to anybody about what has occurred? You will
see afterward that it will be for your own benefit not to let the world
know how you have become possessed of the means that will be yours."
"You may be sure, madam," I answered, "that I shall keep my own
counsel. I know nobody that I should be disposed to make a confidante
of. And even if I did, I should respect your wishes."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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