Produced by Mark C. Orton, David E. Brown and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net FISCAL BALLADS FISCAL BALLADS BY HARRY GRAHAM ('COL. D. STREAMER') AUTHOR OF "BALLADS OF THE BOER WAR," "RUTHLESS RHYMES FOR HEARTLESS HOMES," "PERVERTED PROVERBS," "MISREPRESENTATIVE MEN," ETC., ETC. LONDON EDWARD ARNOLD 41 & 43 MADDOX STREET, BOND STREET, W. 1905 [_All rights reserved_] TO P. L. Beneath your roof I chanced to write These Ballads of the Fiscal Fight, A somewhat scant selection; So do not deem me indiscreet If I should 'dump' them at your feet, And ask for your Protection! Whate'er you be, or Fair or Free, Be still, as ever, fair--to me! NOTE Many of these 'Fiscal Ballads' have appeared in the columns of the _Westminster Gazette_, and are here republished by permission. CONTENTS PAGE FOREWORD 1 PROTECTION 4 RETALIATION 8 THE COLONIES 12 PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT 17 BRITISH TRADE 22 CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT 28 'STATISTICS' 33 'CONTROVERSIAL METHODS' 39 A MESSAGE FROM BROADMOOR 42 THE TURNING TIDE 45 ENVOI 49 FISCAL BALLADS FOREWORD I'm only a common workin'-man, With a eye to my vittles an' beer, But afore I puts my money on Joe, There's a thing or two as I'd like to know, Which 'e 'asn't a-made quite clear. I admit as it sounds attractive-like For to shut them furriners out, But every Board School nipper knows As there's things wot only a furriner grows As we couldn't well do without. There's sugar, an' rice, an' cocoa-nibs, There's cawfy an' tea as well, As we never could raise, suppose we tried, And we _'as_ to buy 'em somewheres outside, And the furriners 'as to sell. But they don't give nothin' for nothink-- Which you can't dispute the fac'-- An' we're sending 'em hevery bit as much Of our cotton-goods, an' our coal, an' such, As 'll pay the beggars back. An' the less we buys o' them furrin goods, The less of our own's returned; Which it's plain to see as the more they take, The more our firms 'as a chance to make, An' the 'igher the wages earned. For it's British Labour as pays the price O' them goods as crosses the sea, An' suppose as the furrin imports fail, It's the case of a empty dinner-pail For the workin'-man like me. Let the furriner send 'is foodstuffs in-- Lor' bless you, I ain't afraid! For the more we markets with other lands, The more employment for British 'ands, An' the better for British trade!