We English ain't a-doing our best, An' that's the reason we loses ground; It's time as we took more interest, An' the chance 'as come to buck-up all round. No need for to put it in doggerel rhymes, To see as we're right be'ind the times. For it's Heducation we wants, that's all, To make us the country we ought to be. If we rides for a fall at a tariff wall, We'll very soon find ourselves at sea. (Which the simile's somewot mixed, you'll say, But the meanin's clear as the open day!) Then 'ere's a 'ealth to the Motherland, For all as they says she's goin' to pot; Ole England's 'wooden walls' 'll stand When the fiscal fences is all forgot! An' she'll 'old 'er own, by land or sea, So long as 'er sons an' 'er trade is free! CONTROVERSIAL ENTERTAINMENT On Saturdays I often goes An' spends a evenin' in the pit At one of them vari'ty shows, An' makes a 'appy night of it; But since this fiscal row begun, I've 'ad to look elsewheres for fun. I'm partial to a music-'all, But when last week I chanced to go, I 'eard some low-necked blighter bawl A Jingo song in praise o' Joe; 'No more will England,' sez this crank, 'Trade with the German an' the Yank!' At furrin countries, o'er the sea, A lot o' silly jeers 'e 'urled; Thinks I, where would ole England be Without the market o' the world? We'd make a living, I suppose, A washin' of each other's clo's! Nex' come the cinematograph, An' Joe, I needn't say, was there; A picture of 'is upper 'alf, A-settin' smilin' in a chair. (There's no photographer in town Would dare to 'take _'im_ lying down!') Then a play-actress come along, A saucy bunnet on 'er 'ead; She didn't sing no fiscal song, She spoke a fiscal pome instead. 'These is,' she 'astened to explain, 'The words o' Joseph Chamberlain!' I 'eard that Yankee lady's rhyme, An' then I took my coat an' 'at; I've read some drivel in my time, But nothink quite so bad as that. (She was a Himport, I suppose, Dumped down by foes o' poor ole Joe's!) I took the kids to Drury Lane, An' 'eard a lion comic sing A song as told us once again To keep 'Protecting' hev'rything. Thinks I, 'ullo! but if that's so, Can't we protect ourselves from Joe? I ain't bad-tempered, 'Eaven knows; A peaceful life is wot I'd choose; If people likes this scheme o' Joe's, They're more than welcome to their views; They loves dear food, I've not a doubt, An' any'ow that's their look-out. But when I seeks the gall'ry door At one of them there public shows, I doesn't pay a bob or more To 'ear about this plan o' Joe's; I simply wants to get away From controversies of the day. We 'as enough o' argument At 'ome, on 'bus-top, tube, or train; An' most on us 'll be content If 'entertainments' entertain; But Joe's as bad as the perlice, 'E won't give no one any peace.