By day Cuckoo sat in her stuffy little parlour brooding wearily. She
waited in day after day, always hoping that Julian would return, full of
resolutions, prompted by fear, to be gentle, even lively, to him when he
did come, full of excited intention which could not be fulfilled; for he
did not come. And by night, while she tramped the streets, still Cuckoo's
anxious mind revolved the question of her behaviour in the future. For
she would not, passionately would not, allow herself to contemplate the
possibility that Julian's anger against her would keep him forever
beyond reach either of her fury or of her tenderness. She insisted on
contemplating his ultimate reappearance, and her wits were at work to
devise means to win him from Valentine's influence without stirring his
horror at any thought of disloyalty to his friend. Cuckoo, in fact,
wanted to be subtle, intended to be subtle, and sought intensely the
right way of subtlety. She sought it as she walked, as she hovered at
street corners in the night, while the hours ran by, sometimes till the
streets were nearly deserted, sometimes even till the dawn sang in the
sky to the wail of the hungry woman beneath it. She sought it even in the
company of those strangers who stepped for a night into her life as into
a public room, and stepped from it on the morrow with a careless and
everlasting adieu, half-drowned in the chink of money.
And sometimes she thought, with a sick dreariness, that she would never
find it, and sometimes courage failed her, and, despite her passionate
resolution, she did for a moment say to herself, "If he should never come
again." There were moments, too, when every other feeling was drowned by
sheer jealousy of Julian, when the tiger-cat woke in this street-girl who
had always had to fight, when her thin frame shivered with the shaking
violence of the soul it held. Then she clenched her hands, and longed to
plant her nails in the faces of those other women, divined, though never
seen,--those French women who had sung him, like sirens, to Paris, away
from the sea of her greedy love. Her similes were commonplace. In her
heart she called such sirens hussies. Had she met them the battle of
words would have been strong and singularly unclean. That she herself was
a hussy to other men, not to Julian, did not trouble her. She did not
realize it. Human nature has always one blind eye, even when the other
does not squint. This passion of jealousy, circling round an absent man,
seized her at the strangest, the most inopportune moments. Sometimes it
came upon her in the street, and the meditation of it was so vital and
complete that Cuckoo could not go on walking, lest she should, by
movement, miss the keenest edge of the agony. Then she would stop
wherever she was, lean against the down-drawn shutter of a shop, or the
corner of a public house, among the gaping loungers, let her powdered
chin drop upon her breast, and sink into a fit of desperate detective
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Elsewhere in the archive
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account