Bildungsromans; Fathers and sons -- Fiction; First loves -- Fiction; Ireland -- Fiction
In the main the portrait he has given of himself coincides with my
own impression of him in early life. I can remember very well when
I first came to know him at school. I was more struck by his gifts
then, perhaps, than I was later, though even at that time he seemed to
me to be intensely one-sided. He was very intelligent, but from the
beginning his whole manner of looking upon life was, in my opinion,
unfortunate. It may sound harsh to say so, but as the years passed I
do not think he improved. Latterly, he appeared to me to have little
but his fine taste. It was as if everything had become subservient to
an æsthetic sense, which was extraordinarily, morbidly acute. Yet even
while I write this I have a suspicion that I am not doing him justice.
If he had been nothing but what I say he was, I should not be able to
look back with tenderness upon the friendship of those early days,
whereas the recollection of that friendship will always remain one
of the pleasantest memories of my life. I regret that it should have
been broken, but that was almost inevitable. It came about slowly and
naturally, though no doubt the actual break was hastened by a mutual
friend of ours, who informed me that Waring had described me as borné
and tedious. That is the kind of thing which rankles. You may say to
yourself it is of no consequence, but to have an uneasy feeling that
your friend finds your company dull quickly becomes unendurable. A man
would rather be thought almost anything than a bore; hence it was that
for a long time I entirely ceased to see him. I regret it now, for he
may never have made the fatal remark, and even if he did, judging from
his journal, it need not have been inconsistent with affection.
The last time I saw him was at Mrs. Carroll’s house, about a year
before his death. She had asked me down, I suppose by Waring’s request,
and I went, though I stayed only one night. I had not seen him for
years until this occasion, and I was struck, and even shocked, by his
altered appearance, and still more by his manner, which was that,
I imagined, of a man haunted by some secret thought that has come
between him and everything about him. This impression, though I do
not desire to lay stress upon it, may throw a light on certain of the
later notes I have not printed, and these, in turn, may afford some
clue as to the mystery surrounding his death, for it is evident that
he had come under the influence of strange and disreputable persons,
who professed to experiment in occult sciences――spiritualism, and
even magic. His hair had turned quite white at the temples. He seemed
restless and dissatisfied; and, whatever else he may have found in his
long wanderings, I could not believe he had found peace.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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