Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and PictureCox, Palmer
General
Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture
Cox, Palmer
Canadian wit and humor
“‘’Twas dark afore I got there, leastwise the bats were a flitterin’
aroun’ the gables and apple trees, a-lookin’ for thar suppers. I gin the
bell-knob a jerk anyhow, and pooty soon old Hurley hisself came to the
door, with a candle in his hand. He was in his shirt-sleeves, and I
reckon he had jest come hum from work. He kind of gin a start, as though
he was surprised to see me; and I gin a start, too, and jumped back from
the door pooty quick, for I thought I heer’d him grit his teeth a
leetle—somethin’ like a sheep arter she’s bin eatin’ beans—but I wasn’t
sartain.
“‘Come in, M-i-s-t-e-r Dudley,’ ses he, kind of low and coaxin’ like. ‘I
hope you’ve bin enjoyin’ good health. I hope you’ve come prepared to
stop with us awhile.’
“Thankin’ him for his kind wishes, I follered him along, wonderin’ what
in time made him so amazin’ solicitous for my health all to wunst,
’cause I knowed the old man hated me worse than a rat does pizen.
“He didn’t stop in the parlor where some folks were sittin’, but kept on
into a small room, beck’nin’ me to foller, which I did, though I was
beginnin’ to feel pooty suspicious about the old feller’s movements.
“‘Stay here a minute, Mr. Dudley,’ ses he, arter I had sot down. ‘Make
yourself comfortable until I come back agin,’ he continued, jest that
way, and then he stepped out.
“I tell you, I begun to feel wonderful fidgity and kind of prickly down
along the spine; and when I heer’d the old man comin’ back, and heer’d
his feet slappin’ down heavier and faster than when he went out, then I
knowed thar’ was trouble ahead. I could feel a distressin’ presentiment
jest a-bubblin’ through my veins, and limberin’ up all my jints.
“Pooty soon the old man came in, a-holdin’ his left hand in front of him
doubled up tight as though for boxin’, and keepin’ his right hand ahind
him, kind of careless like, as though ’twas there by accident. I knowed
’twas no nat’ral position, and kept peerin’ round, for I ’spected he had
a cow-hide, and was calculatin’ to gin me a sound tannin’; but when he
went to shet the door ahind him, I got a glimpse of the alfiredest great
butcher’s cleaver you ever yet sot eyes on, a-shinin’ jest as bright as
could be. Jerusalem! if that bone-splitter didn’t make me begin to feel
tarnation uneasy, then thar’s no use sayin’ it. My heart flopped up so
far into my throat it actewelly seemed as though I could taste it.
“‘I’ve got very pressin’ business down town, and guess I’d better be
a-movin,’ ses I, rizin’ up.
“‘S-i-t d-o-w-n,’ ses he, easy, that way, as though he wasn’t disturbed
any, though I seed he was awful pale. ‘Don’t be in a hurry,’ he went on,
keepin’ his back flat against the door the whole time. ‘You’ve been
pokin’ around here ‘bout long enuff,’ said he, ‘and I think it time you
’tended to bisness.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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