Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and PictureCox, Palmer
General
Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture
Cox, Palmer
Canadian wit and humor
“I was travelin’ towards the border of Texas, gwine away back of Waco,
and arter I got as far as cars would take me I set out on hossback. One
evenin,’ jest as I was gettin’ into a small village, my hoss got one of
his legs into a hole in the road, and fallin’ over, broke it snap off
below the knee. I felt mi’ty bad over it, because I didn’t have any too
much money about me; but I had to leave him thar and go into the village
on foot, carryin’ the saddle along, for I cal’lated to git another
animal the next day and continue my journey. I put up for the night at a
small hotel, and thar was quite a number of fellers a settin’ around the
bar-room talkin’; but amongst ’em was one big, ugly-looking villain,
with a glass eye that was continewally droppin’ out and rollin’ across
the floor like a marble. Pupil up and pupil down, it would move along
under chairs and tables, the most comical lookin’ thing you ever sot
eyes on. He would walk after the truant, glarin’ around with the other
eye as though watchin’ to see if anybody was laughin’ at him. Then he
would pick it up and chuck it back into his head ag’in, as if it was a
pipe that had dropped out of his mouth.
“He seemed to be a bully amongst ’em, for when any of the other fellows
went to pass they circled around him, somethin’ like a woman around a
hoss standin’ on the sidewalk. I judged by that they were skeered of
him, and didn’t want to git anywhere near his corns lest they might
accidentally touch ’em.
[Illustration: BILL AFTER HIS GLASS EYE.]
“I sat thar watchin’ of him for some time, and at last, while he was
leanin’ on the counter beatin’ time with his fingers on top of it, a
feller come in and called for somethin’ to drink.
“The bar-tender gin him the bottle and he poured out a drink and left
the glass settin’ on the counter, while he turned around to drop his
quid of terbacker. As he was doin’ it the big, bully-lookin’ customer
h’isted the glass, drained it right thar, and smacked and licked his
lips arter it as though wishin’ thar was more of it,—somethin’ like a
young widder arter ye give her a kiss.
“The feller that ordered the drink turned back, wipin’ his mouth,
gettin’ ready to swaller. When he see the empty glass he riz up sort of
indignantly, and was agwine to say or do somethin’, but when he see who
it was, he changed his mind pooty sudden, and settlin’ down about six
inches, turned around and jest slid away easy like out of the room. As
he was gwine out I could see his ears looked as though they were
freezin’, for they were gettin’ whiter and whiter as he moved along down
the steps. As I was thinkin’ about it, a ministerial-lookin’ man come
edgin’ up to me and ses:—
“‘You’re a stranger in this quarter, I believe, and let me gin you a
little advice; it may prove valuable to ye before you git away from
yer.’
“‘Why, what’s the matter?’ I asked, wonderin’ what he was comin’ at,
‘have you got the smallpox in the house?’ I contin’ed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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