Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and PictureCox, Palmer
General
Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture
Cox, Palmer
Canadian wit and humor
“Arter a while he leaned over to a feller that sat by the table, and
while runnin’ his thumb sort of feelin’ly along the edge of the knife,
he ses: ‘The man I bought this from in Galveston assured me it was the
best of steel; but he lied, I reckon, for I turned the edge of it last
night on that long Tuscaloosan’s ribs. Yet that’s not to be much
wondered at, arter all, for I do believe he had as many ribs as a snake.
I thought I never would succeed in gettin’ the blade betwixt ’em. Arter
I got him down in the corner and his knife away from him, I commenced
jabbin’ at his armpit, and I prospected the hull way down to his kidney,
before I could git in far enough to let his dinner loose.’
“Gewillikins! When I heered him talkin’ like that, didn’t I begin to
squirm and fidget around on my cheer! I wished then I had never seen the
place, more especially the long-eared mule. But I see I was in for it,
as the boy said when he got his head stuck in the cream jar. Thar was no
way of gittin’ out without comin’ right down to beggin’ off, and I was
too consumin’ proud to do that, you know, if I was sartain of bein’ cut
up into as many pieces as a boardin’-house pie.
“Jest then the landlord came back and sed the room was ready, but
remarked that it was a leetle slippery yet. He sed, for a lean man he
never did see a feller that had so much blood into him as that
Tuscaloosan had. Beckonin’ me to the counter he ses:—
“‘You mout as well settle your bill now before you go in thar; it may be
more satisfactory to you to have the settlin’ of your own affairs, and
it’ll save me the trouble of huntin’ over your effects arter you’re
dead.’
“‘All right,’ I ses, ‘now, if you say so; but it’s ginnerally admitted
that sure things sometimes git mi’ty slippery all to wunst, and perhaps
somebody’s goggles may prove blue in the mornin’ that were bought for
green uns at night.’
“I didn’t want to let any of ’em think I was skeered, though, by jingo!
I felt sartin of bein’ minced up, and the cold chills were jest
streakin’ all over me.
“So we started for the room, which was about twelve feet square and dark
as pitch.
“The landlord held the door open until we were in opposite corners with
our knives out. Then he shut and locked it and left us to work out our
own salvation, as the missionary did the South Sea Islanders when he
overheerd ’em talkin’ about the best way of cookin’ him the next
mornin’.
“Wasn’t it dark in thar though? and still? you could have heered a
lizard a-breathin’ in thar, it was so quiet.
“I allowed Glass-eyed Bill was expectin’ that I would go a-shufflin’ and
a-huntin’ around for him, but I had no sich foolish notion. I cal’lated
if thar was any findin’ to be done he’d have to do it, for I was
detarmined to stand right thar till I’d drop in my tracks before I’d go
a-s’archin’ around for him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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