Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and PictureCox, Palmer
General
Frontier Humor in Verse, Prose and Picture
Cox, Palmer
Canadian wit and humor
“I commenced breathin’ about twice a minute, and not makin’ any more
noise at it than a wall-bug, nuther. But for all that I heered him
a-movin’ over towards me. I’ll allers think that Cranebow had a nose
onto him like a setter dog, for he somehow or another got right over
thar whar I was standin’. Pooty soon I felt somethin’ a-stingin’ along
my forehead thar, and I suspected at once that it was the knife that was
feelin’ around for me; so I reckoned it wouldn’t be long until he was
a-proddin’ of it somewhere else, and like the boy with the candy bag, I
cal’lated the fust poke was everythin’; so I made one sudden and
detarmined plunge and a sort of upward rip, at the same time, cal’latin’
to do all the damage I could right at once while I was about it.
“He heered me start, and thought to squat down before I got the knife
into him I reckon. Though his intentions were good he only spread the
disaster, like the gal who tried to put the fire out with the corn
broom, for as he was gwine down the knife was rizin’, and the result was
truly astonishin’. I’ll be smashed if he didn’t fly open from eend to
eend like a ripe pea pod. It was done so alfired quick too, that he
didn’t realize how bad he was hurt I think. Ses he, ‘We’ll try that over
ag’in, stranger.’ As he spoke, he started to git up, but fell away
seemin’ly in two different directions.
“‘Not on this side, we won’t,’ I ses, as I went huntin’ around for the
door.
“I was surprised as much as him at the way things had turned out, for
when I stepped into that room I looked on it as steppin’ into another
world. When the door was found I commenced knockin’, and pooty soon the
landlord came and opened it. He couldn’t see me at fust, but allowed it
was the bully that was thar, of course, and ses he:—
“‘You made pooty quick work of it this time; that feller won’t want to
buy any more mules arter this, I take it.’
“‘No,’ ses I, steppin’ out, ‘nor claim a critter that doesn’t belong to
him nuther.’
“‘What!’ he cried, jumpin’ back with a look upon his face that told me
at once he was mi’ty displeased at the way things war developin’, ‘is it
you? whar’s Glass-eyed Bill?’ he contin’ed, shadin’ his eyes with his
hand and peerin’ into the darkness.
“‘He’s lyin’ around in thar somewhar,’ I answered careless like, jest
that way. ‘The head-half of him is nigh the door here, paralyzed, I
reckon, but the leg part is somewhere over in the corner thar whar ye
hear the kickin’; you mout as well be gettin’ yer bucket and dust-pan
ready, for you’ll have quite a job gettin’ all the pieces together
ag’in, I’m thinkin’,’ I contin’ed, just that indifferent way, and
walkin’ out towards the bar-room as I spoke.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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