"Because--" Keegan hesitated. Mysterious impulses were operating behind
his talk. The night's debauch had sickened him. He was experiencing that
depressing type of virtue which usually comes as a reaction from an
orgy. His indignation at the bestiality of the male and the moral
rotteness of life was a vindication of the temporary weakened state the
night had induced in him. By denouncing sex he excused the disturbing
absence of it in himself.
He was however not content to vindicate the absence in himself of
sensual excitement. He would also make use of his lassitude by
translating the enervation it produced into self-ennobling emotions,
into purity, innate and triumphant. He experienced high-minded ideas and
an exaltation of spirit.
"Because," he repeated, finding it difficult to choose words
sufficiently emasculated to reflect the phenomenal purity of his mind,
"well, if women knew, they would never talk to men. But women are so
good, that is, decent women, that they simply don't understand and can't
understand ... what it is."
"About bad men?" Fanny whispered. Keegan nodded.
"And are all men bad?" she asked.
Again Keegan nodded, this time more sadly. It was a nod of confession
and purity. In it he felt his obscene past and his pious future embrace
each other, one whispering "forgive" and the other whispering "yes,
yes. All is forgiven."
Tears warmed his throat. Fanny's eyes looked at him with an odd
excitement. Her mind was as always conveniently blank of thought.
Thoughts would have served only to embarrass and handicap her. She was
able to enjoy herself more easily without thinking. It was a ruse which
enabled her to regard herself as a clean-minded girl.
Young men had frequently taken advantage of her kindness and grown bold.
They would during a tender embrace sometimes take liberties or draw her
close and press themselves against her. It was at this point that her
mind would awake like a burglar alarm suddenly set off. It rang and
clanged--an outraged and intimidating ding-dong of virtuous platitudes
which she had incongruously rigged up in the sensual warmth of her
nature. But lately the mechanism by which she routed her would-be
seducers did not quite satisfy her.
At twenty she had grown fearful. When she was younger the men she led on
were no more than boys. The mechanism had sufficed for them. But the
last two years had witnessed a change in her would-be seducers. They had
grown up, these males. She remembered always uncomfortably a young man
who had burst into laughter during her outraged denunciation of him. He
had said to her.
"Listen, girl. If I wanted you, all I would have to do is tell you to
shut up and slap your face. And you would. Your 'how dare you?' don't go
with me. I've known too many girls like you. But I don't want you. Not
after this. If it'll do you any good I'll tell you now that I won't
forget you for a long time. Whenever I want a good laugh I'll think of
you. There's a name for your kind...."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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