Doris saw through the angry phrases of her friend that he was trying to
tell her how little he desired her. He was defending marriage and
proclaiming his belief in it, in order to excuse his physical
indifference toward her, both in his own eyes and hers. Since she had
said she thought marriage was an abomination, he could safely defend it
without compromising himself. He need have no fear that she would agree
with him. In this way his pose as a moralist was a convenient method of
concealing the fact that he had no impulse toward immorality. He could
even insist with impunity that she marry him and so use her rhetorical
stand against marriage in general as a personal refusal.
Doris allowed matters to drift through the year. One winter night
Lindstrum, invited innocently to occupy the sofa in the studio rather
than to tackle the storm-bound transportation outside, consented. He sat
reading things he had written until midnight came.
He did not see how it had happened but when he looked up after one of
his readings Doris was sitting before the small grate fire. Her face was
turned from him and he stared at her. She had undressed and slipped a
green silk robe over her body. Her black silk stockings gleamed like
exclamation points in the firelight. Her throat and breasts were visible
and the shadows mirrored themselves in her white arms.
As he looked at her the warmth of the room seemed to bring her closer.
He thought her beautiful and standing up went to her side. His hand
sought clumsily to caress the hair coiled on her head. He stood silent,
remembering how she loved him. Always the thought excited him. But now
he seemed to be thinking about it with a curious calm. There was
something about a woman who loved that was beyond words to figure out.
She looked up at him with a smile. A faint odor stirred from her. He
found himself drawing deep breaths and staring at her with a heavy pain
in his arms. The pain she had always brought to him and out of which he
had made his words. Now this was easier, simpler--to reach his arms
around her....
* * * * *
... "I belong to you now," she whispered as the dawn lighted the room.
The fire in the grate still burned feebly. They had kept it alive
during the night.
"You see," she went on, "I was right about not marrying. We can love
each other like this without marrying ever. Oh I love you so. You make
me so happy."
"Yes," he murmured sleepily, intent upon the whitening room. "Dawn--the
white shadow of night," whispered itself through his mind. But he said
nothing. After an interval he repeated as if delivering himself of
innumerable ideas--"Yes."
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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