“My dreams,” he replied, “I should tell them to you poorly indeed, for
the first blessing of the awakening is forgetfulness, and to-day I am
awake. However, I remember how I allowed myself to be once overcome by
a dream that has now vanished, but still emits its luminous trail in
my eyes. I thought I had discovered, under a beautiful and attractive
appearance, the richest treasure that the earth can bestow upon the
heart of man; I thought I had discovered a soul, that divine mystery,
deep as the ocean, ardent as a flame, pure as air, glorious as heaven
itself, infinite as space, immortal as eternity! It was another
universe, where I should be king. With what ardent and holy love I
attempted the conquest of this new world, but, less fortunate than
Columbus, I met with shipwreck instead of triumph.”
Clemence, at this avowal of her lover’s defeat, threw him a glance of
intense contradiction, then lowered her eyes, for she felt her face
suffused with burning blushes.
When he entered his room that night, Gerfaut went straight to the
window. He could see in the darkness the light which gleamed in
Clemence’s room.
“She is alone,” said he to himself; “certainly heaven protects us, for
in the state of exasperation I am in, I should have killed them both.”
CHAPTER XV. DECLARATION OF WAR
Far from rejoicing at this moment in the triumph he had just obtained,
Gerfaut fell into one of those attacks of disenchantment, during which,
urged on by some unknown demon, he unmercifully administered to himself
his own dreaded sarcasm. Being unable to sleep, he arose and opened his
window again, and remained with his elbows resting upon the sill for
some time. The night was calm, numberless stars twinkled in the heavens,
the moon bathed with its silvery light the tops of the trees, through
which a monotonous breeze softly rustled. After gazing at this
melancholy picture of sleeping nature, the poet smiled disdainfully,
and said to himself “This comedy must end. I can not waste my life
thus. Doubtless, glory is a dream as well as love; to pass the night
idiotically gazing at the moon and stars is, after all, as reasonable as
to grow pale over a work destined to live a day, a year, or a century!
for what renown lasts longer than that? If I were really loved, I should
not regret those wasted hours; but is it true that I am loved? There are
moments when I recover my coolness and clearness of mind, a degree of
self possession incompatible with the enthusiasm of genuine passion;
at other times, it is true, a sudden agitation renders me powerless and
leaves me as weak as a child. Oh, yes, I love her in a strange manner;
the sentiment that I feel for her has become a study of the mind as
well as an emotion of the heart, and that is what gives it its despotic
tenacity; for a material impression weakens and gradually dies out, but
when an energetic intelligence is brought to bear upon it, it becomes
desperate. I should be wrong to complain.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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