GRANDMA PERKINS AND THE SPACE PIRATES By JAMES McCONNELL _Raven-haired, seductive Darling Toujours' smoke-and-flame eyes kindled sparks in hearts all over the universe. But it took sweet old Grandma Perkins, of the pirate ship_ Dirty Shame, _to set the Jupiter moons on fire_. [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Planet Stories March 1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] "I can always get along with a man if he remembers who he is," said Darling Toujours, the raven-haired, creamy-skinned televideo actress whose smoke-and-flame eyes lit fires in hearts all over the solar system. She was credited with being the most beautiful woman alive and there were few who dared to contradict her when she mentioned it. "And I can always get along with a woman if she remembers who _I_ am," replied Carlton E. Carlton, the acid-tongued author whose biting novels had won him universal fame. He leaned his thin, bony body back into the comfort of an overstuffed chair and favored the actress with a wicked smile. The two of them were sitting in the finest lounge of the luxury space ship _Kismet_, enjoying postprandial cocktails with Captain Homer Fogarty, the _Kismet's_ rotund commanding officer. The _Kismet_ was blasting through space at close to the speed of light, bound from Callisto, one of Jupiter's moons, back to Earth. But none of the two hundred Earthbound passengers were conscious of the speed at all. Darling Toujours waved a long cigarette holder at the author. "Don't pay any attention to him, Captain. You know how writers are--always putting words in other people's mouths, and not very good ones at that." "Do you mean not very good words or not very good mouths, my dear?" Carlton asked. The solar system's most famous actress clamped her scarlet lips shut with rage. It would take someone like Carlton E. Carlton, she knew, to point out the one minor blemish in an otherwise perfect body--her slightly over-sized mouth. She began to wish that she had never left Callisto, that she had cancelled her passage on the _Kismet_ when she learned that Carlton was to be a fellow passenger. But her studio had wired her to return to Earth immediately to make a new series of three dimensional video films. And the _Kismet_ was the only first class space ship flying to Earth for two weeks. So she had kept her ticket in spite of Carlton. "I must say that I think Miss Toujours has the prettiest mouth I've ever seen," boomed Captain Fogarty, his voice sounding something like a cross between a foghorn and a steam whistle. And he was not merely being gallant, for many a lonely night as he flew the darkness between Earth and the many planets, he had dreamed of caressing those lips.