Great Jehoshaphat and Gully Dirt!Smith, Jewell Ellen
General
Great Jehoshaphat and Gully Dirt!
Smith, Jewell Ellen
American fiction -- 20th century
Doctor Elton, moving along right behind Papa, began chewing his cigar
faster than ever. "If we can ever plow our way through this jam of
folks, we'll—God! Too late! Here he comes busting in the church! He's
got a gun, Jodie!"
The front door had swung open, and there stood Mister Ward—waving a
pistol above his head!
"Merr-rr-r Chris— Chris'mus! Merr-rr-r Chris'mus, ever'-body!"
Papa, the doctor, and Uncle Dan rushed on toward him, while everybody
standing in the front of the church just sort of melted back against
the walls—tramping one another's feet as they scrambled out of the way.
Doctor Elton croaked out, "Why, hello there, Ward," and slapped him on
the back like he was glad to see him. Papa grabbed his arm, Uncle Dan,
his coat!
Before I could see what would happen next, Mister Shepherd pulled me
back from the aisle and had me scrooch down under a bench. Here, I
couldn't see a thing but shoes and britches legs and Captain Jones's
walking stick. I couldn't even hear what Papa and the other men were
telling Mister Ward. But I could sure hear Mister Ward talking—loud,
and like his mouth was full of baked 'taters.
"Y'all s'prised to see me, ain't you? What y'all grabbin' me for? I
ain't done nothin'! Charged with kidnappin'? Hell, I just took the
young'un for a automobile ride. Weren't my fault she jumped out.
Anyhow, y'all found her. I come to get Ophelia and my young'uns. I
ain't havin' my baby boy in no Chris'mus doin's with them damn Baileys.
Naw, Doc, don't touch my gun! Where's Wes Bailey? I brung him a message
from Addie Mae. Wes thinks I don't know where she's at! Doc, Wes is
here, ain't he? Somebody tell Wes to come see my automobile! I bought
the first automobile in Drake Eye Springs! What'd you say, Doc? Hell,
yeah, you can ride on it! I left the motor runnin'."
I raised up, peeping, to see if I could see Mister Wes. I saw him,
trying his best to get to Mister Ward. But he couldn't break away from
Miss Lida Belle and Mister Goode, who had him hemmed up in the corner.
He was twisting and turning, but they wouldn't let go!
Mister Ward's loud, blubbering talk got louder.
"Wes, I see you now! Cuss your hide, come out and look at my
automobile! I'm aimin' for you to take one good, long look at it—'fore
I shoot you! Soon's I tell you what Addie Mae says, I'll kill you! Naw,
Doc! Lemme have my pistol back! I gotta use it! I'm startin' up the
Williams-Parker feud again! I ain't Jake Williams's great nephew for
nothin'! Great nephew! Sounds plum good! My Uncle Jake, he stopped the
feudin' one Chris'mus Eve. I'm a-startin' it back tonight! You men are
just dyin' to see my automobile? Shore, I got plenty time to show
y'all! Come on! Hell, yeah, I'll let all y'all ride it!"
The church door slammed.
Everybody started milling around, talking all at once and making such a
babble I couldn't tell who was saying what.
"Hush and sit still, Ophelia! Sit still!" That was Miss Dink.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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