Thoughts like these went to and fro in his mind as he looked out upon
the scene before him. Then it struck him that all was strangely still.
Not only was there no motion on the river, but there was no sound--only
an occasional outcry in the streets behind. The houses across in
Wapping showed rare lights, and looked sepulchral in the killing stare
of the moon, which, high above, had not only the whole heavens but the
earth as well to herself, and seemed to be taking her own way with it
in the consciousness of irresistible power. What that way was, who can
tell? The troubled brain of the maniac and the troubled conscience of
the malefactor know something about it; but neither can tell the way of
the moon with the earth. Fear laid hold upon Thomas. He found himself
all alone with that white thing in the sky; and he turned from the
glorious window to go down to the bar. But all the house was dark, the
household in bed, and he alone awake and wandering "in the dead waste
and middle of the night." A horror seized him when he found that he was
alone. Why should he fear? The night covered him. But there was God.
I do not mean for a moment that he had a conscious fear of the Being
he had been taught to call God. Never had that representation produced
in him yet any sense of the reality, any the least consciousness of
presence--anything like the feeling of the child who placed two chairs
behind the window-curtain, told God that that one was for him, and
sat down to have a talk with him. It was fear of the unknown God,
manifested in the face of a nature which was strange and unfriendly to
the evil-doer. It is to God alone that a man can flee from such terror
of the unknown in the fierceness of the sea, in the ghastly eye of the
moon, in the abysses of the glaciers, in the misty slopes of the awful
mountain-side; but to God Thomas dared not or could not flee. Full of
the horror of wakefulness in the midst of sleeping London, he felt his
way back into the room he had just left, threw himself on a bench, and
closed his eyes to shut out everything. His own room at Highbury, even
that of his mother with Mr. Simon talking in it, rose before him like
a haven of refuge. But between him and that haven lay an impassable
gulf. No more returning thither. He must leave the country. And Lucy?
He must vanish from her eyes, that she might forget him and marry
some one else. Was not that the only justice left him to do her? But
would Lucy forget him? Why should she not? Women could forget honorable
men whom they had loved, let them only be out of their sight long
enough; and why should not Lucy forget a --? He dared not even think
the word that belonged to him now. A fresh billow of shame rushed over
him. In the person of Lucy he condemned himself afresh to utter and
ineffaceable shame, confusion, and hissing. Involuntarily he opened his
eyes. A ghostly whiteness, the sails of a vessel hanging loose from
their yards, gleamed upon him. The whole of the pale region of the
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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