Poor weak Thomas, when he got his head down on the pillow, began
to cry. He pitied himself for the helplessness to which he was now
reduced, and a new phase of despair filled his soul. He even said in
his thoughts that his ill-gotten gain had, like all the devil's money,
turned to rubbish in his hands. What he was to do he could not tell. He
was tolerably safe, however, for the night, and, worn and weary, soon
fell into a sleep which not even a dream disturbed.
When he woke all was dark, and he welcomed the darkness as a friend.
It soothed and comforted him a little. If it were only always dark! If
he could find some cave to creep into where he might revel in--feed
upon the friendly gloom! If he could get among the snowy people of
the north, blessed with half a year of gentle sunlessness! Thomas had
plenty of fancy. He leaned on his elbow and looked out. His clothes
had been placed by him while he slept. He rose and put them on, opened
the door of his room, saw light somewhere, approached it softly, and
found himself in a small room, like a large oriel window. The day had
changed from gold to silver; the wide expanse of the great river lay
before him, and up, and down, and across, it gleamed in the thoughtful
radiance of the moon. Never was a picture of lovelier peace. It was
like the reflex of the great city in the mind of a saint--all its
vice, its crime, its oppression, money-loving, and ambition, all its
fearfulness, grief, revenge, and remorse, gently covered with the
silver mantle of faith and hope. But Thomas could not feel this.
Its very repose was a reproach to him. There was no repose for him
henceforth forever. He was degraded to all eternity. And herewith the
thought of Lucy, which had been hovering about his mind all day, like a
bird looking for an open window that it might enter, but which he had
not dared to admit, darted into its own place, and he groaned aloud.
For in her eyes, as well as in his own, he was utterly degraded. Not
a thousand good actions, not the applause of a thousand crowds, could
destroy the fact that he had done as he had done. The dingy, applauding
multitude, with its many voices, its kind faces, its outstretched
hands, had vanished, as if the moon had melted it away from off the
water. Never to all eternity would that praising people, his little
consoling populace, exist again, again be gathered from the four
corners whither they had vanished, to take his part, to speak for him
that he was not all lost in badness, that they at least considered him
fit company for them and their children.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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