with herself then for her mistrust of him, and her contentment had been
perfect when in church he knelt beside her on that birthday of his, that
day of their avowed betrothal, and on all those other occasions when he
had given an outward proof of his faith. Now as she looked back on his
absence from church lately, she could not but wonder whether all his
attendance had not been a kind of fair-weather spoiling of her that
could not withstand the least stress of worldly circumstance. She began
to torment herself over every light remark that might have been a sneer
and to look forward dreadfully to Guy's abrupt declaration of a profound
disbelief in everything she held most sacred. His cleverness, as he
hated her to call it, intervened and seemed to wrench them asunder; and
the more she pondered his behaviour, the more she became convinced that
all the time Guy's religion had merely been Guy's kindness. This
discovery was not to make her love him less; but it did throw upon her
the responsibility of the knowledge that he had nothing within himself
to fortify his soul, should mishap destroy his worldly confidence.
For a long time Pauline lay awake in the darkness, fretting herself on
account of Guy's resourcelessness of spirit, and to her imagination
concentrated on this regard of him every hour seemed to make his
solitude more terrible. Of her own religion she did not think, and
Monica's anxiety about their agreement after marriage was without the
least hint of danger. The possibility of anyone's, even Guy's
influencing her own faith was inconceivable; nor was she at all occupied
with her own disappointment at not finding Guy constant to her belief in
him. Pauline's one grief was for him, that now when things were going
badly he should be without spiritual hope. Suddenly her warm bed seemed
to her wrong and luxurious in comparison with the chill darkness she
imagined about Guy's soul at this moment. Impulsively she threw back the
sheets and knelt down beside the bed to pray for his peace. So vividly
was she conscious of the need for prayer that she was carried to
undreamed of heights of supplication, to strange summits whereon it
seemed that if she could not pray she would never know how to pray
again. Ordinarily her devotions had been but a beautiful and simple end
or beginning of the day: they were associated with the early warmth of
the sunlight or with the gentle flutters of roosting birds: they were
the comforting and tangible pledges of a childhood not yet utterly
departed. Now the fires and ecstasies of a more searching faith had
seized Pauline. No longer did there pass before her eyes a procession of
gay-habited saints, glad celestial creatures that smiled down upon her
from a paradise not much farther away than the Rectory garden: no longer
did she find herself surrounded by the well-loved figures who when death
took her to them would hold out their arms in actual welcome and whom
she would recognize one by one.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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